


Can't Cover it Up

by kanekki



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Eating Disorders, Established Relationship, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Victor, Protective Yuri Plisetsky, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, References to Drugs, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Supportive Yuri, Victor/Yuuri Established Relationship, recovery fic, supportive Victor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2017-01-27
Packaged: 2018-09-18 16:23:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 25,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9393509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kanekki/pseuds/kanekki
Summary: It was supposed to be a night of celebration.After the Grand Prix finals, Yuuri is assaulted in Barcelona. Will Victor be able to be able to hold Yuuri together, or will the after effects tear them both apart?Translated toPortuguês brasileiro





	1. Douse Yourself in Cheap Perfume

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Português brasileiro available: [Can't Cover it Up](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10609032) by [gold_on_ice](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gold_on_ice/pseuds/gold_on_ice)



> Warning: This chapter includes rape/non-con elements, including a non-specified date rape drug. More notes at the bottom. Please read the tags carefully if you are concerned about being triggered.
> 
> Note: This should go without saying, but NEVER, EVER accept drinks from people you don't know at bars or parties. You always want to watch your drink being made and don't leave it unattended. Also, if you are with a friend who is drunk, don't leave them alone. Make sure everyone has a phone at all times. Okay, rant over.
> 
> It's going to be a rocky road for Yuuri, but the emphasis of this fic is on recovery and realistic challenges with which that comes.

It was supposed to be a night of celebration.

 

The Grand Prix Finals were over and Yuuri was looking excitedly to a future with Victor and many more seasons of skating. After the medal award ceremony, interviews, pictures, and the banquet (tame, in comparison to last year) the group of skaters was heading out to celebrate.

 

"Victor, you know clubs aren't really my thing," Yuuri said as Victor rummaged through their suitcases, attempting to find something decent to wear.

 

" _Yuuri,_ " Victor begged, "You're killing me. Just one night out, please?"

 

Blushing, Yuuri looked down at his feet. He couldn't deny Victor this, just as he couldn't really deny Victor anything.

 

"Okay, okay," he said, "Please stop groveling. It's embarrassing!"

 

Victor laughed, leaning in and kissing Yuuri on the cheek before continuing his search for suitable attire. Helping Victor shift through the limited clothes they had brought, Yuuri settled on a black shirt and jeans, pulling them on and sitting on the bed. His anxiety about going out to a club was twisting knots in his stomach, but he did his best to ignore it.

 

 _It's for Victor,_ he thought, _He deserves a boyfriend who can celebrate with him._

 

Yuuri hadn't realized he was staring off into space until Victor tapped his shoulder gently.

 

"Yuuri? Are you sure you're okay with this?" he asked, "I mean, we can stay in if you-"

 

"No!" Yuuri interrupted, "We're going out. We're celebrating!" He got up with determination and kissed his boyfriend, relaxing in the sweetness of his mouth before pulling away. Looking dreamily at him, Victor brushed the hair from his forehead, gently caressing Yuuri’s cheek. "Come on then, my love," he said with a bright smile, "Let me show you how a medal winning athlete celebrates a victory!"

 

Some time later, Yuuri found himself walking hand-in-hand with Victor down the Barcelona streets, headed towards the club address Phichit had texted them. In truth, Yuuri was a little terrified, but still excited. The night was just beginning and young couples were everywhere, the streets alive with color and noise.

 

It was freeing to be able to walk while holding Victor’s hand. In Russia, they had to keep their distance and even in Japan, when they weren’t at Yuuri’s home or the Ice Palace they kept the facade of being just close friends (although Yuuri was sure no one in Hasetsu was fooled). Here, the night was full of young lovers of all kinds, drunk on either love or alcohol and heading to various bars and nightclubs. As they approached their destination, Yuuri felt his heart starting to pound a bit faster.

 

“Ah, we are here,” Victor said with a grin, “Charming, no?”

 

Yuuri looked forward, eyes widening. There were young men and women everywhere in varying states of undress outside of the building. Pounding music could be heard from the inside and flashes of a strobe light pulsed onto the sidewalk.

 

“Yuuri! Victor! Over here!” A familiar voice called and they turned to see Phichit with Christophe, Otabek, and Yuri in a line outside the club. Tightening his grip on Victor’s hand, he waved back, smiling. He was really happy and excited to celebrate...but there were just _so many people…_

 

“Ah! Boys, fabulous, seeing you,” Christophe purred as they got closer, throwing his arms around their shoulders, “I can’t wait to get hot and heavy on the dance floor!”

 

Victor laughed and Yuuri blushed, while Yuri made a disgusted noise under his breath. Victor looked up in surprise as if just noticing Yuri’s presence.

 

“Yurio, aren’t you too young to be at this club?” he smirked, “What would Yakov say?”

 

Yuri scoffed, “Screw that, I’m getting my dance on.” Otabek smiled and fist bumped Yuri, causing Phichit to roll his eyes.

 

“Just get married, you two, seriously. Speaking of...Victor! Yuuri! When is the big day?” Phichit teased, eyes sparkling.

 

Yuuri blushed and stammered as he realized all eyes were on him. “Well, um, I mean, we haven’t really, that is I mean...we are together b-but…”

 

Phichit fist pumped while Yuri gagged like he was going to throw up.

 

“YES!” Phichit said, “Christophe, you owe me ten dollars.”

 

“Okay, okay, you win,” Christophe said, pulling out his wallet, “I just thought they were getting it on.”

 

Victor laughed while Yuuri turned beet red, wanting to disappear behind his boyfriend. _How embarrassing,_ Yuuri thought, _What a stupid thing for me to say._ He felt Victor’s arm snake around his waist and he figured some of his anxious thoughts must of shown on his face.

 

“Look, losers, we can go in now,” Yuri said, noticing the line moving ahead of them, “Let’s see who can down the most shots in the first hour.”

 

Victor grabbed Yuri’s arm, pulling him back gently, “No, Yuri, you're too young. You can't get caught underage drinking.”

 

Yuri rolled his eyes but nodded briefly at Victor in defeat before walking forward. Victor’s arm was still securely around Yuuri’s waist as they entered the club. Heading through the door and paying their cover, Yuri and Otabek immediately hit the dance floor, Christophe not far behind. Yuuri tried to swallow his nerves as he felt people pressing in on him from all sides.

 

_Just breathe, you’re fine, you’re here with Victor. Focus on that._

 

He looked up to see Victor eyeing him nervously, so he returned the look with a confident smile, squeezing his boyfriend’s hand. Victor brightened up, handing Yuuri and Phichit drinks while holding on to his own.

 

“To an amazing season and many more!” Victor toasted as they tossed back their first glass.

 

The music was pounding, echoing and vibrating through Yuuri’s body. Victor drew him into his embrace and they began to dance to the beat of the pulsing music, getting lost in the rhythm. Christophe bought another round of drinks and soon Yuuri felt himself beginning to unwind, the false confidence the alcohol brought him running through his system. He began to get more handsy with Victor, tracing down his chest and grinding their hips together.

 

Victor groaned in his ear, “Let’s save some of this for home, okay my love?”

 

Yuuri responded by kissing Victor’s neck, causing him to pull Yuuri closer as he forgot about maintaining appearances. Yuuri noticed Phichit snapping a picture on his phone, but he could not have cared any less.

 

“Oi, pork cutlet bowl! No one wants to see you tonguing Nikiforov! It’s disgusting!” Yuri shouted, making gagging noises in their direction.

 

Victor laughed in Yuuri’s ear, running his hands down Yuuri’s back.

 

“When we get back to the hotel,” Victor moaned into his ear, “I want to touch you all over.”

 

Yuuri groaned, leaning against Victor’s neck, running his fingers through the silver hair.

 

_Does he really want me? He must…wow..._

 

Several rounds of drinks later and Yuuri was feeling his anxiety and inhibitions lighten, dancing with his friends and kissing Victor. Kissing Victor a lot. In fact, Yuuri is pretty certain Phichit now has a folder of photos on his iPhone entitled “Yuuri and Victor Making Out!!!” with several edits and varying degrees of blackmail material.

 

_Oh well. At least it’s finally something I can brag about._

 

It was at this point that Yuuri realized he really, desperately needed to use the restroom.

 

“Vic-Victor!” he slurred, “I’m going to the bathroom.” Victor nodded, kissing his cheek before letting him go as he headed through the club.

 

Yuuri was about to head into the bathroom before he felt a hand on his shoulder and someone saying something in a language he couldn’t understand.

 

“Um...English?” Yuuri asked, blushing in embarrassment.

 

“Free shots!” the stranger repeated in English, holding out a glass to Yuuri.

 

Yuuri took the shot and knocked it back without thinking, the pleasant buzz burning through him. Placing the glass down and thanking the stranger, he excused himself to the restroom, washing his hands and walking out when suddenly a sense of overwhelming tiredness began to sweep over him.

 

_Where...where is Victor. What...what is happening._

 

He saw shadows, felt someone pulling him along through the crowd. Lights blared in and out of focus, blurred faces coming closer and further away. Sound came in waves, like he was being passed by cars on the road.

 

_Victor...Where is Victor...what...I’m so tired._

 

He suddenly felt a burst of cold air and realized he was outside in...in the alley? Hands were on him now and he wanted them _off_ but he couldn’t move, his arms were too heavy.

 

_Stop. Stop. Stop. Where is Victor? Who is touching me? Stop. Please, stop._

 

He felt his clothes being pushed up, hands down his pants, a burning sensation as someone _shoved their fingers inside him…_

 

_No! No, please no. Victor where are you? Why can’t I move? Please stop, stop, stop. It hurts._

 

He felt tears running down his cheeks but he couldn’t make his mouth move, no words would come out. He felt several pairs of hands on him, touching him. Taking _turns_ with him. Pain in his hips and pelvis as he was driven into the ground, hot disgusting breath in his ear. Bodies over him. Bruises on his wrists from being held down.

 

_Stop, I don’t want this. Victor, where are you?_

 

It seemed an eternity later when he felt his pants being pulled back up and his body pushed aside. He heard the voices that were over him grow more distant as they left him on the concrete. He could taste blood in his mouth where he had bitten his lip.

 

He was so tired. Was this really happening?

 

_Victor._

_Victor._

 

Time passed as he lay in silence, drifting in and out of consciousness. A new pair of hands touched him now. Panicked hands, a frantic voice asking him something...something in…Spanish, maybe? Someone reaching in his pocket, looking for his phone. Frantic voices. Sirens blaring. Someone...crying?

 

_Oh. Is...is that me? Am I crying?_

 

Yuuri became more aware of himself, staring down at his shaking pale hands, feeling the tears falling from his eyes. In front of him, he could see a female EMT wearing a concerned expression as she spoke to him in a calm slow voice. His breath began to become more uneven as she got closer in order to assess him. Shadows still danced on the edge of his vision, sound and colors mixing together in an uneasy cacophony.

 

_I’m going into shock. I’m going into shock. I’m going into shock._

 

He heard someone screaming his name in the distance, almost as if it wasn’t real.

 

“Yuuri! Please, please let me through. Tell me what’s going on, please! That’s my boyfriend!”

 

 _Victor..._ Yuuri thought, _Victor is here. It’s going to be okay now. What...what happened…where...where did they go?_

 

“Stop...stop touching me.”

 

“Mr. Katsuki, I promise no one is touching you,” the EMT said in English this time.

 

_Oh...had he said that out loud?_

 

“I...I...I don’t know what’s happening,” Yuuri’s voice shook, “Where’s Victor?”

 

“Mr. Katsuki, breathe with me. Can you do that? In...and out. Very good. And again,” the calm voice said as Yuuri tried to listen.

 

“I c-couldn’t move,” Yuuri stammered, teeth chattering, “I d-didn’t want…”

 

_Why is it so cold?_

 

He realized that someone was still screaming his name and the EMT was looking at him with an expression he couldn’t place. Sympathy, maybe?

 

“T-tired…” he choked out, vision blurring. _Why won’t they stop screaming?_

 

“I know, Mr. Katsuki, but right now I need you to stay awake. That’s very important. Can you do that for me?” she said again. He felt her hands touching his wrists, checking for a pulse. The reaction was immediate, involuntary.

 

“STOP!” he sobbed, “D-don’t touch me, please don’t touch me, I d-don’t want it, I don’t want it...”

 

He felt her back away, murmuring something to someone else as he sobbed, hands still shaking.

 

_Victor, Victor where are you? I’m cold._

 

“Let him THROUGH! For fuck’s sake, he’s his boyfriend!” a furious voice cut through.

 

_Yurio...why is Yurio here?_

 

“Yuuri, Yuuri, oh my god...can you hear me?” said a frantic voice in front of him.

 

_Victor._

 


	2. Find a Safe Place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the comments and kudos. I was so surprised to see them so fast! I was really nervous to post this and I greatly appreciate all the responses. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

“Sir, I need you to step aside,” a calm voice stated to someone on his left. Yuuri’s hands were shaking from the cold and adrenaline as he tried to stabilize himself. 

 

“Yuuri, love, look at me,” Victor’s tearful voice pleaded, “I’m right here, come on katsudon, please…”

 

_ Don’t touch me, don’t touch me, I don’t want it, I don’t want it please stop please... _

 

The thoughts raced through Yuuri’s mind as he hid his head in his arms, gripping his shirt tightly. He began to come more to himself as he realized he was sitting on the edge of an ambulance. At some point, someone must have draped a blanket over him, which was doing little to calm the shaking. He knew Victor was next to him but he didn’t have it in him to respond to his lover’s pleas.

 

“I just...I just want to go home,” Yuuri mumbled softly, “P-Please, let me go.”

 

He heard voices more clearly now, Victor’s worried comments mixing with the conversations of people on the street, watching the scene. He registered Yuri’s voice along with something that sounded like Phichit crying. 

 

“Sir, I need you to step back. I know this is difficult, but we need to examine him and take him to the hospital,” said the same calm voice from earlier.

 

“But, he’s my boyfriend, can’t I come with him in the ambulance?” asked Victor.

 

_ No, no I don’t want you to see me like this, please don’t. _

 

“One person can come along,” the EMT said, “But I need you to stand back for now so we can get Mr. Katsuki settled.”

 

Yuuri gripped his arms tighter, pressing his face closer to his knees. He didn’t want to go in the ambulance, he didn’t want Victor or his friends to see him. He hadn’t even processed what had  _ happened… _

 

“Mr. Katsuki, I am going to put my hands on your arms to help you stand now. Is that alright?” the EMT asked.  Yuuri nodded shakily. Maybe if he gave in, this would be over soon.

 

“Victor! We’ll get a cab and meet you at the hospital!” Yuri’s voice echoed over the din. Yuuri heard Victor say something back in Russian while the EMTs helped him up on shaky legs to move further in and sit on the bed.

 

_ It’s cold. It’s so cold in here. _

 

“Yuuri, can you feel me holding your hand? I’m right here,” Victor said shakily. Yuuri lifted his head, finally meeting Victor’s eyes after what felt like an eternity.

 

“I’m...so sorry,” he choked out, “I’m s-so sorry.”

 

Victor looked like he was going to burst into tears at any moment, but before he could say anything, Yuuri’s ears filled with a roaring sound, vision fading to black. He lay down slowly on the cot in the ambulance, exhaustion filling his limbs.

 

_ Drugged. I must...have been drugged. That’s why I’m...so...tired. _

 

Voices and lights faded away until all was black and calm.

 

_ Bright.  _

 

_ Bright lights. _

 

_ Bright and white and clean. It’s loud. _

 

“Why isn’t he awake yet?” a frightened, yet familiar voice was asking. Yuuri registered that this was Victor speaking.

 

“We found traces of Ketamine in his system,” another voice answered, “Ketamine is a very fast-acting drug that can cause someone to be aware of their surroundings, yet unable to move. Was there any point in the evening when you noticed Mr. Katsuki acting strangely?” 

 

“No...no he just left to use the bathroom and went missing. We looked for an hour before we heard someone calling from outside the c-club,” Victor answered in a shaky voice.

 

_ Oh. They’re talking about me. Keta-what? I don’t know that word. This must be the doctor. _

 

“Mr. Nikiforov, I should warn you that when Mr. Katsuki awakes, there is a possibility he will not remember what happened when under the influence of the drug,” the doctor said, “There are other possible side effects, such as violent behavior, depression, vomiting, and convulsions. We cannot release him until we finish a twenty four hour observation.

 

There was a pause before Victor mumbled, squeezing Yuuri’s hand, “I won’t be leaving him alone.”

 

_ Victor. Victor I’m sorry, please forgive me. _

 

“Also, you should know that the police are investigating the club. It’s highly likely they will come to question Yuuri in the next twelve hours, given the likelihood that he was drugged against his will.”

 

 _Drugged. Drugged, I_ ** _was_** _drugged. How?_

 

_ The shots. The shots were drugged! _

 

Yuuri tried to force his eyes open. He had to tell them, he had to let them know that the free shot he was offered must have been drugged. He had to tell someone! They had to know it wasn’t on purpose.

 

“Yuuri! Yuuri, can you hear me?” Victor asked, noticing that Yuuri was beginning to move.

 

He nodded, blinking blearily, bright lights causing him to blink. A wave of nausea came over him and he sat up too quickly, causing his head to spin.

 

“I’m going to throw up,” he gasped. Victor quickly placed the bedpan in Yuuri’s hands as the contents of his stomach were emptied. Humiliation burned in his cheeks while Victor rubbed his back soothingly. 

 

_ It hurts, it hurts. Oh, God, it hurts. _

 

Tears ran down Yuuri’s cheeks as he clutched his stomach. The bedpan was taken out of his hands and someone handed him a glass of water. He held it in his hands, but didn’t drink. He didn’t think he ever wanted to drink something _ever_ again.

 

“Mr. Katsuki, how are you feeling now?” the doctor asked.

 

Yuuri looked up, one hand on the cup of water, the other still clutching his stomach. To his embarrassment, tears were still falling down his cheeks.

 

“It...hurts. It hurts. My s-stomach and…” he choked out, unable to finish.

 

The doctor nodded sympathetically, “I understand. Mr. Katsuki, I know you have been through a terrible ordeal, but it is imperative that we run a SAK kit on you immediately if we have any chance of catching who did this to you.”

 

“S...A K?” he asked, Victor’s hand gripping his arm.

 

“A sexual assault kit, Mr. Katsuki.”

 

_ Sexual assault. A...rape kit? Oh god, oh god, no I don’t...please no. _

 

“Mr. Katsuki?”

 

Yuuri couldn’t answer. He didn’t want to admit anything out loud about what had happened. Instead, he turned his attention to his boyfriend, voice shaking, “Victor, I want to go home. Please take me home.”

 

Victor was still rubbing his back, one hand gently over Yuuri’s own. “I’m so sorry, Yuuri, but we can’t go home right now. We need to get you checked out.” 

 

Yuuri nodded shakily, leaning his head into the crook of Victor’s neck. Victor shushed him, rubbing circles into his back. The nurses and doctors came and performed the SAK while Yuuri tried to pretend he was somewhere,  _ anywhere _ else.

 

_ Please, god make it stop, make it stop. I want to go home. _

 

“Ssh,  _ solnyshko _ , it’s okay,” Victor whispered in his ear, “I’m right here. I’m right here.”

 

By the time the exam was finished, Yuuri had curled onto his side on the bed, staring at the white wall while not really seeing it. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed. Time seemed to jump and Yuuri found himself in a hospital bed, Victor still holding his hand. He saw that Yuri, Christophe, and Phichit were there, hovering near the doorway wearing unsure expressions.

 

“Hey, Yuuri...are you awake?” Victor asked, rubbing gentle circles into Yuuri’s palm. 

 

_ I can’t face them all right now. _

 

Yuuri turned on his side, facing away from his friends. He didn’t want anyone to see him. An awkward moment of silence passed before he heard noises by the door. He curled into himself, trying to get away from the noise.

 

“Guys, I think we should go. Victor, please text us with any updates, okay?” Phichit said.

 

“No, fuck that!” Yuri seethed, “I’m not leaving until I know the pig is okay.”

 

_ Yurio...you really do care, don’t you? _

 

The scratchiness of the sheets and the brightness of the lights were hurting Yuuri’s eyes. Victor’s hands were still on Yuuri’s, but the pressure was starting to become too much...almost suffocating him.

 

“Don’t touch me.”

 

Victor looked at him, startled before drawing his hand away.

 

_ Shit. Shit, I said that out loud.  _

 

Curling into a ball, he felt hot tears rolling down his cheeks. An overwhelming feeling of the walls closing in started to come over him. Without Victor's touch grounding him, nothing felt real. But he couldn't handle anyone touching him.

 

His breathing became too much, like there was too much air in his lungs. He felt himself beginning to hyperventilate, a feeling all too familiar to him. He heard Victor's worried voice in the distance but it wasn't enough to ground him.

 

_ Make this stop. _

_ Please. _

_ Anyone. _

 

_ I can't take this anymore. _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to feel disjointed, so I hope that came through. Thank you for all the comments and kudos!


	3. Back to Your Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy! This chapter will be a lot more linear and we’ll get some more Victor!

“Yuuri, you need to eat something,” the nurse said firmly, “It’s been almost thirty hours since you had anything in your system.”

 

Yuuri shook his head, not wanting to voice that the sight of the food made his stomach turn. His anxiety was heightened and the sounds and atmosphere of the hospital room made him too anxious to eat anything. The twisted, nervous feeling in his stomach wouldn’t go away and as much as he wanted to eat to make everyone stop worrying, he just couldn’t.

 

Sighing, the nurse set his food on the side table. Yuuri was glad that Victor was still asleep next to him as he didn’t want to worry his boyfriend with his anxiety issues on top of what had happened.

 

When he had fully come back to himself several hours before, Victor had been snoozing in the chair next to his. A stab of guilt went through Yuuri’s stomach as he had realized that he had been pushing his boyfriend away. Reaching up, he had gently held Victor’s hand, stroking it softly. Victor stirred awake, looking down at him in surprise.

 

“Hi,” Yuuri croaked quietly, voice dry from lack of water, “I’m...me, again I think.”

 

“How are you feeling, solnyshko?” Victor asked, instantly at Yuuri’s side and clutching his hand more firmly.

 

Yuuri sat up a little, recognizing a numb kind of pain in his lower body. His stomach was twisting in knots and his throat was parched. The after effects of a monstrous headache during that had kept him up during the night were still there, causing him to feel exhausted.

 

“Better,” he lied, “Thanks for being here.”

 

Victor stoked his hand gently, leaning forward to kiss Yuuri’s forehead.

 

“There’s no place else I would think of being right now,” he murmured, “Can I...can I hold you?”

 

The request was so innocent that Yuuri didn’t have the heart to deny it of him. Nodding in consent, he had scooted over so Victor had a space to lie down. Their hands still clasped together, one of Victor’s hands went to run through Yuuri’s hair.

 

“My hair is gross, Victor,” Yuuri blushed, “I haven’t...had the chance to shower. They said they’ll help me later.”

 

Victor shushed him, kissing his hair in a silent protest.

 

“Hush, my love,” he murmured, “Your hair is beautiful.”

 

Yuuri relaxed slightly, torn between needing Victor’s attention and needing some space.

 

_Victor needs this comfort right now as much as I do._

 

They had spent the better part of an hour curled up together, with Victor sleeping soundly. Yuuri had been wide awake as the noises from the room and constant flurry of activity outside was too much for him to block out.

 

Now, the nurse was putting his tray to the side, snapping Yuuri back to the present moment.

 

“I’ll try to eat later,” Yuuri acquiesced, “Sorry for the trouble.”

 

The nurse smiled at him, typing some information onto her console.

 

“It’s no trouble, Yuuri, we just want to you get better,” she said, “I’ll be back to take a blood sample in thirty minutes, okay?” Yuuri nodded and she stepped out, closing the door behind her.

 

The noise of the door shutting stirred Victor awake.

 

“Hey,” Yuuri said affectionately, “How are you feeling?”

 

Victor blinked blearily as he sat up, frowning when his eyes found Yuuri’s uneaten lunch tray.

 

“Solnyshko...you still are not eating?” he asked, concerned. Yuuri blushed, a mix of guilt, anxiety, and shame in his stomach.

 

“I...I just can’t keep it down,” he mumbled. Victor leaned over, kissing his forehead gently.

 

“I will help you,” Victor said, “You need to eat something, Yuuri.”

 

The next half hour became a battle of Yuuri’s mind against his body. Victor talked to him the whole time as Yuuri managed half a glass of orange juice, a couple of crackers, and a quarter of a bowl of soup. The rest of the lunch stayed untouched.

 

“I can’t eat anymore, Victor,” he said with an air of finality.

 

Victor sighed in defeat, moving the tray away before sitting in the chair next to Yuuri’s bed. Yuuri’s phone buzzed on the table next to him. He hadn’t been checking it at all, letting Victor handle contacting his family. He felt a little guilty for ignoring them, but he just didn’t know what to say if any of them called.

 

“Your mother is worried about you,” Victor said, noticing Yuuri ignoring his phone, “They all are.”

 

More guilt burned through Yuuri, “I know. I’m sorry for making you handle everything.”

 

“Don’t ever be sorry. I love you, and I am here for you,” Victor said in rushed voice, as if he was unsure of his own words. It struck Yuuri then that Victor had probably never dealt with something like this before and was probably as scared as he was.

 

“Victor...I...thanks,” Yuuri murmured. Victor squeezed his hand gently in response. He knew eventually they’d need to talk about what happened, but right now he just wanted some quiet time with the man he loved.

 

Some time passed in silence, Victor looking through his phone and Yuuri resting in the bed. After the nurses finished their afternoon rounds and Yuuri had a shower, he felt a little better. As he got dressed in the bathroom, he heard the nurses speaking to Victor about a plan for discharge. Coming out and sitting on his bed, Yuuri was pleased to see that what little items he had with him were packed up and ready to go.

 

“Ready to go home?” Victor asked. Yuuri nodded, happily. After the paperwork was finished and some prescriptions were sent out, Yuuri and Victor exited the hospital together. They spent the cab ride in comfortable silence to their hotel. They remained side by side, holding hands, all the way up to their hotel room.

 

Opening the door, Yuuri stepped into the familiar sight. Two beds, pushed together. Suitcases strewn open, like they had left them. Just where he had left it _that night._

 

His silver medal gleaming on the bedside table.

 

_Don’t think about what happened. Not right now._

 

Shaking out of his dark thoughts, he began to silently pack up his things, tidying up the room like he always did when they were heading out of a hotel. He noticed Victor watching him from the doorway with an unreadable expression.

 

“I’m alright, Victor,” Yuuri said, answering Victor's silent question, “I just want to pack up and get home to Hasetsu as soon as possible.”

 

Victor didn’t look entirely convinced, as if he was expecting Yuuri to break at any moment, but he nodded anyway, helping to pack.

 

Their conversation was light. What they were going to wear on the flight, when lunch would be, what they would do when back in Hasetsu. Yuuri had turned off his phone, leaving it in his backpack. He just wanted to _go home._

 

* * *

 

When their flight landed in Japan, Yuuri felt tears burn in his eyes as his family and Makkachin were there to greet them. He wasn’t sure how much Victor had told them about what had happened, but all he knew is he wanted them not to feel sorry for him.

 

When they walked through the gate, his family all took turns hugging him, some crying. With each hug, he stiffened up more and more, the physical contact beginning to bring him closer to his breaking point. Oddly though, it was Makkachin’s hug that pushed him over the edge. He had kneeled down to pet the dog, but in his excitement, Makkachin put all his weight on Yuuri, causing him to fall backwards. A spark of pain shot through his back as he hit the floor.

 

“No, no _bad dog Makkachin,”_ Victor said with no real malice, “You alright, _solnyshko?”_

 

Victor looked surprised as he saw Yuuri’s eyes full of tears. He looked unsure as he went to help Yuuri up, but someone else had beat him to it.

 

“Yuuri, honey, are you okay?” his mother was asking, pulling up her son.

 

Yuuri hastily wiped the tears from his eyes, giving his family a watery smile.

 

“Yes, I’m fine mom. I just want to go home,” Yuuri said.

 

_I’ve never been less fine in my life._

 

The car ride to Hasetsu was spent mainly in silence. Yuuri had pretended to drift off to sleep on Victor’s shoulder, using his exhaustion as an excuse to avoid talking. When they arrived at Yu-topia, Victor shook him “awake” and the rest of the family helped them unpack into Yuuri’s old room. Yuuri told his mother he was still tired and needed some more time. She smiled, kissing his hair.

 

“Of course, dear. I’m making katsudon for dinner, I hope you boys are hungry!” smiling at them, she left the room, closing the door behind her.

 

Yuuri exhaled loudly, relieved at being left in relative peace. Victor laid down next to him, looking into Yuuri’s eyes. Makkachin whimpered and Yuuri smiled, patting the bed so the dog could come up and lay with them.

 

“Are you really alright?” Victor asked, brushing hair off Yuuri’s forehead.

 

There was a long pause while Yuuri struggled to find the words. He wanted to reassure Victor that he was okay now that he was home, but he also knew it would be a lie.

 

_I’m happy to be here. I’m happy you’re with me. I’m happy Makkachin is here. I’m happy I’m in Japan._

 

_I’m...trying to forget about it. Come on, Yuuri, throw him a bone. He’s already done so much for you._

 

“Not...not really,” were the words that came out of his mouth. He was embarrassed to feel hot tears running down his cheeks as Victor pulled him closer. Yuuri found the touch comforting, as if Victor was a kind of protective barrier surrounding him.

 

A gentle kiss on his forehead relaxed him as he clutched Victor’s shirt tightly in his fists.

  
“I’ve got you, Yuuri,” Victor said softly, “And I am not going to let you go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for everyone who has left kudos, bookmarked, and reviewed! I feel really lucky to have so many people reading this.


	4. Someone Old, No One New

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments and reviews!

A week had passed since they had come to Japan. Yuuri and Victor had settled into a daily routine, something Victor hoped would help his boyfriend feel safe. Yuuri seemed to have no interest in leaving the grounds of Yu-Topia, so Victor had done what he could to make him comfortable at home.

 

Yuuri still wasn’t sure how much his family knew about what happened, but he didn’t have the courage to bring it up. His phone still sat in his backpack, turned off. He wasn’t sure what he’d say to anyone who texted him and he dreaded going on Instagram or Facebook to see what people were saying.

 

He still wasn’t sleeping through the night, dreams of suffocating hands causing him to wake up every few hours. Victor was sleeping on the floor next to him, which made Yuuri feel horrible, but the one night Victor and he had tried to share a bed, Yuuri had ended up shoving Victor off the bed during one of his night terrors. After lots of tears and apologies, Victor assured him it wasn’t his fault, and offered to take the floor until Yuuri felt comfortable.

 

During the day, Yuuri joined his family for meals, picking aimlessly at the food his mother served. He always managed to down about a quarter of what was on his plate before having to stop. No had mentioned anything to him, but he could see them sharing concerned looks when they’d clear away his dishes.

 

At night, he’d sit on the balcony, looking out over the ocean. The view made him feel a little more at peace, and for those few hours he could almost forget the chaos that was in his head. Sometimes Victor would sit down next to him and some nights he’d give Yuuri his space. Yuuri wasn’t sure which one he preferred.

 

He just knew he enjoyed the calm.

 

* * *

 

The eighth day that they were in Hasetsu, Victor received a phone call. The Katsuki family was around the table eating dinner when the cell had gone off.

 

“Excuse me,” Victor said, “I need to take this.”

 

Yuuri watched as Victor excused himself to the edge of the room. His face looked concerned as he spoke on the phone in a broken Spanish. He looked agitated as he ran a hand through his hair.

 

 _I didn’t even know Victor spoke Spanish at all,_ Yuuri thought. He was surprised when Victor turned to face him, gesturing for him to come over. Yuuri stood, ignoring the curious looks from his family before walking over to Victor.

 

“ _Un momento, por favor,_ ” Victor said into the phone before turning to face Yuuri again. He looked anxious.

 

“You speak Spanish?” was all Yuuri could manage to say.

 

Victor chuckled, “Barely. Look, Yuuri...it’s the police, in Barcelona. They’ve found...they caught the men who assaulted you. They want to know if you want to press charges.”

 

Silence.

 

_What? No, I’m not ready for that. It was supposed to take longer...rape kits sit there for years without being touched...how is this happening this soon? I can’t face this yet!_

 

Victor was looking at him with a concerned expression and Yuuri realized that his hands were shaking.

 

“Would...would I have to go there and go to trial?” he asked, small voice trembling. Victor only nodded, reaching for Yuuri’s hand. As a reflex, Yuuri pulled away.

 

“Victor, I can’t do that,” he said nervously.

 

Victor began to plead desperately, "The police said it’d be open and shut, just a week or so there. Yuuri...they need to pay for what they did! What if they do it to someone else or-”

 

“I said _NO!_ ” Yuuri shouted, banging his fist against the wall. His whole body was shaking now, panic beginning to creep up inside him. He dimly registered that the room had gone silent and his family was watching in concern. Victor had a look of horror on his face as Yuuri realized his hand was bleeding from the impact of the wall.

 

_I can’t do this. I just want to be left alone! Why can’t anyone understand that?_

 

Without a word, Yuuri turned hastily and headed to his room, slamming his door behind him. He felt a little like a petulant teenager, like he was channeling Yurio.

 

_I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to go to Spain and...relive it again. I just want to stay here, where it’s safe._

 

Emotions getting the better of him, he buried his face in his pillow and began to cry. He cried until the pillow was soaked and his throat hurt. It felt like hours before he heard a gentle knock on his door. Tensing a bit, he could only manage to mumble, “Go away.”

 

Not surprisingly, the door opened a crack anyway, Victor’s worried face peeking through.

 

“Yuuri, it’s me. Can I please come in?”

 

Yuuri sighed before nodding, knowing that Victor was concerned. Although the bleeding had stopped, his hand still ached and tears burned in his eyes and throat. He knew he looked like a disaster.

 

Victor came in, gently closing the door behind him. Makkachin was at his heels and didn’t want for permission before hopping up onto Yuuri’s bed, snuggling his fur against his back.

 

Yuuri felt comforted by the soothing presence of the dog, fingers curling into his fur, petting him gently.

 

“Even Makkachin knows you are upset,” Victor said, sitting down on the edge of the bed, joining Yuuri in petting his beloved dog, “Yuuri...I don’t understand.”

 

Yuuri looked up at Victor, eyes bloodshot and nose runny. He knew Victor deserved an explanation, so he tried his best to say what was on his mind.

 

“I...I just can’t face it,” he said quietly, “I’d have to see them again. I don’t remember their faces and I’m scared that if I see them, I’ll never be able to get over my nightmares.”

 

Victor looked surprised and saddened at the revelation, but he nodded for Yuuri to continue. Slightly emboldened by Victor’s support, Yuuri continued.

 

“I’m scared of everything. When Makkachin barks, I think that I’m outside in that alley. When I hear someone dropping something, I think there’s someone behind me, out to get me. When someone shouts I...I c-can barely keep my feet from running,” he rushed out, “When someone t-touches me I...it feels like it’s happening again…”

 

Tears were once again falling from his eyes and to his horror he saw Victor was crying too.

 

_I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry._

 

“I’m sorry, my love. I wish I could take it all away, I wish I could make it so it never happened,” Victor said in a watery voice, “I just want to help you. What can I do?”

 

Yuuri moved a little closer to Victor. “I don’t really know,” he said after a few moments, “I don’t know what I need. But for now…”

 

He looked up, suddenly realizing what he needed, what _both_ of them needed.

 

“I want to skate. I miss the ice.”

 

Victor smiled at him like it was the most beautiful thing he had ever heard.

 

“Of course, _solnyshko,”_ Victor said, “Tomorrow?”

 

Yuuri nodded as Makkachin hopped down, giving room for Victor and Yuuri to get closer to each other.

 

“Can I hold you?” Victor asked quietly and Yuuri was reminded of how gentle his boyfriend had been in the hospital, “I will stop if it is too much.”

 

Yuuri nodded and Victor scooted next to him, gently pulling Yuuri to rest against his chest. The first few minutes were tense, but Victor began to rub Yuuri’s back, tension releasing. Eventually, Yuuri snuggled up against Victor, his heartbeat comforting him as they lay together. He ran his own hand through Victor’s hair, something that had always calmed him.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Victor said after a time, “I’m here if you do.”

 

Yuuri sat silently for a minute before the words started pouring out.

 

“I was awake the whole time,” he said quietly, “I could feel and hear and see everything they were doing to me. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t move. I couldn’t scream. Whatever they slipped me, it was like I was trapped in my own body.”

 

He felt Victor’s hand tense against his back, but the older man said nothing. Yuuri took this as courage to continue.

 

“They...t-took turns. I don’t even know how many there were. They were breathing in my ear and I was so scared. I’d never had s-sex before that night and now…”

 

Victor pulled him tighter against his chest, kissing Yuuri’s hair. Yuuri felt Victor shaking against him and he knew this was hard to hear. He still couldn’t say the reality of what happened to him out loud, but he couldn’t stop the words pouring from his mouth. His tears were starting up again but he just couldn’t stop the emotions from pouring out.

 

“I d-didn’t even want to go that night but I was having so much fun with you and I thought everything was going to be p-perfect. And now I c-can’t even think about ever going out in a group a-again.”

 

“V-Victor, I was just _so scared,_ and ashamed, a-and…” hiccuping sobs now took over, Yuuri unable to speak. He cried as Victor kissed his forehead and hair over and over, whispering endearments in Russian.

 

“I’m sorry, Yuuri, I’m so sorry,” Victor kept saying.

 

_It’s not your fault, it’s mine._

 

They cried together for the better part of half an hour before exhaustion got the better of them both. Later, Yuuri’s mom would find them curled up together on the bed, Makkachin protectively at their feet.

 

 _Watch over them both,_ she prayed silently, looking sadly at her son, _Give them both some peace._

  
It was the first time since the incident that Yuuri would sleep through the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri’s reaction to going through with pressing charges is sadly too common. It’s not the end of us hearing about it, but I felt like it was important to show his reluctance to face his attackers, considering he still hasn’t really accepted what happened to him.


	5. I Found the Cure to Growing Older

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is long and full of lots of emotions. Basically, read all the tags for this fic if you are worried about triggers, because they will all be referenced in this chapter. Writing this chapter also made me feel like a horrible person. Hang on tight, kids!
> 
> For a reference in this chapter: When I wrote this chapter, 300,000₽ (rubles) was equal to roughly $5,000 US dollars, or 573,535 ¥ (yen).

On their ninth day in Japan, Yuuri and Victor found themselves at the Ice Palace. They had decided to go early in the morning, before it opened at Yuuri’s request. He wanted to skate, but he didn’t think that he could handle being around a large group of people.

 

Yuuri was sitting on a bench while Victor helped to tie his skates. They hadn’t been talking, just enjoying the silence of the unoccupied rink. When they were both ready to go, Victor helped Yuuri stand and they went over to the ice.

 

Yuuri went first, feeling the tension draining from his body as he skated gentle loops on the ice. He saw Victor watching him out of the corner of his eye with a happy expression.

 

_He’s just glad I’m not crying. Well, that makes two of us._

 

Skating over, Yuuri gently took Victor’s hand. The silence pierced only by the sound of their skates on the ice, they continued to move around the rink lazily. No jumps, no flips, no step sequences. Just smooth loops.

 

It was therapeutic to feel the tension leaving both of them. After a while, Yuuri skated to a slow stop, wrapping his arms around Victor’s waist. Leaning up, he planted a gentle kiss on his boyfriend’s lips, short and sweet.

 

Victor responded by hugging Yuuri tightly, kissing the top of his head. They embraced happily for a few moments before Yuuri pulled away slightly.

 

“I want to move to Russia with you while you train with Yurio,” Yuuri said softly, Victor looking down at him in surprise.

 

“Really? But, we only just got to Japan,” Victor said, running a hand through his boyfriend’s hair. Yuuri closed his eyes, enjoying the gentle feeling.

 

“I want to be with you,” Yuuri said quietly, “If you’ll have me.”

 

Victor smiled brilliantly at him, “Oh _solnyshko,_ of course I’ll have you.”

 

* * *

 

 

The move to Russia went smoothly. Yuuri’s parents were used to having him live outside the country, but there were still tears shed as the couple left. Yuuri knew this was an impulsive decision, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

 

Besides, he was with Victor.

 

The first few days in Victor’s apartment were spent in a haze of jet lag and sleepless nights. Yuuri spent most of the time trying to sleep and failing. Victor was busy trying to unpack their things and start a training plan for himself and Yurio. He had tactfully not mentioned training for the new season to Yuuri. It was a subject they were leaving off the table until more was resolved.

 

Yuuri was starting to feel a little better, the new streets of the Russian city distracting him from his thoughts.

 

Victor spent their nights together curled around Yuuri. Yuuri had gradually become more comfortable with Victor’s casual touch, but getting near anyone else would make him tense in fear.

 

But for now, curled in the arms of his boyfriend, he was happy.

 

_I think I could get used to this._

* * *

 

 

After a week in Russia, Victor and Yuuri agreed it was time for Victor to start his training. He needed to get back into shape before the next season began.

 

Yuuri was curled into a ball under the sheets in Victor’s bed. After asking him about fifteen times if he was alright to be alone for a few hours, Victor had reluctantly left Yuuri and gone to practice with Yakov and Yurio at the rink.

 

Makkachin was sleeping next to Yuuri, a calming presence in the sea of his stormy thoughts. Running his fingers through Makkachin’s fur seemed to calm his nerves and keep him grounded. The dog sighed happily, wagging his tail in thanks for the constant petting.

 

_It must be nice to be a dog. I wonder what it would be like to not have to feel anything complicated._

 

Yawning, Yuuri rolled over to reach for Victor’s laptop. Bored and restless, he decided it was finally time to look at what his friends had been up to.

 

_Buzz buzz._

 

His phone light up on the table next to him. He chose to ignore it for the time being until he had gotten situated.

 

_Buzz buzz. Buzz buzz._

 

Huffing slightly, he checked his phone to see who wanted a hold of him so badly.

 

_Missed calls: 3. Phichit, mom, and….Yurio? No, I don’t want to answer. Victor didn’t call, so it can’t be an emergency._

 

Putting his phone facedown on the nightstand, he sat up, one hand still in Makkachin’s fur. He opened the laptop and began to skim through his favorite sites, calming him to see some nice pictures and articles like nothing about his life had changed.

 

It took all of about five minutes of browsing through some skating Instagrams and Twitters before all of the work Yuuri had put into making himself feel better suddenly went to hell.

 

**GRAND PRIX SILVER MEDALIST KATSUKI YUURI ASSAULTED OUTSIDE BARCELONA CLUB**

 

**IS SKATING CAREER OVER FOR JAPAN’S SENSATION KATSUKI YUURI FOLLOWING ALLEGED ASSAULT?**

 

**BRUTAL ASSAULT IN BARCELONA STUNS THE SKATING WORLD**

 

**FANS TWEET #supportyuurik IN RESPONSE TO BARCELONA INCIDENT**

 

The headlines blared out, over and over and over. His eyes began to water as he read comments ranging from support to disbelief. The dates of the articles went back as early as the day after his attack.

 

_No no no no no no how did they find out? They knew the whole time? Oh god, everyone knows. No no no please no._

 

Shame burned in his stomach as his phone kept buzzing. It grated on his nerves more and more until he began to breathe faster and more quickly, the room becoming blurry. Makkachin sat up, whining nervously as he licked Yuuri’s shaking hands, sensing something off.

 

_Buzz buzz. Buzz buzz. Buzz buzz. Buzz Buzz. Buzz Buzz. Buzz Buzz. Buzz Buzz._

 

Screaming in frustration, Yuuri threw his phone as hard as he could into the wall, screen shattering while Makkachin yelped in surprise, racing to another room. He began sobbing as the words from the article raced through his brain.

 

_Attack...assaulted...brutal...career….over…_

 

“ _FUCK!”_ he screamed, the curse word feeling strange on his tongue. He couldn’t get his breathing under control. How could he go outside? How could he face anyone at a skating competition _ever_ again? How, how would he do this...how could _anyone_ live feeling this way?

 

_I’m so weak, so weak…_

 

Numbly, he stood on shaking legs, walking into the living room. He wasn’t sure what to do, where to go, he just need to do _something,_ something to end this burning feeling in his stomach, something to stop the chaos in his head.

 

Before he realized it, he was opening Victor’s liquor cabinet, staring in disgust. He hated alcohol. It was drinking alcohol that made...that cause _it_ to happen. Picking up the most expensive looking bottle of vodka he could find, he picked it up, weighed it in his hand, and then with the full force of his strength, flung it against the wall.

 

...Nothing happened.

 

The bottle bounced and hit the floor, but there was no shattering glass, no relief.

 

_I can’t even break a glass bottle, how weak am I?_

 

In utter frustration, Yuuri screamed and kicked the bottle as hard as he could into the wall, ignoring the pain it caused in his foot. On impact, the bottle seemed to shatter in slow motion, glass flying in every direction, even looking a little beautiful to him as rays of sunshine bounced of the pieces scattered on the floor.

 

The sight of the shattering glass and the liquor pouring out was strangely...exhilarating to Yuuri. Without thinking, he began to smash every bottle he could find until the cabinet was empty. Vaguely, he registered Makkachin’s terrified whimpering coming from the bathroom, and he felt a little guilty for scaring the poor dog. What would he say to Victor?

 

 _Hey Victor...welcome home. Sorry I broke your bar, trashed your apartment, and terrorized your dog. I also owe you about 300,000_ _₽._

 

Small laughs began to come out of Yuuri’s mouth until he became _hysterical._ He laughed and laughed until his stomach hurt and he gasped for air. When he couldn’t laugh anymore, he began to sob, sliding down onto the floor, ignoring the sting of glass cutting into his skin. He rest his head on his arms, the sting of the glass becoming more painful.

 

_Oh god, what have I done? Victor, I am so sorry, so, so sorry…_

 

He could hear someone pounding on the apartment door, yelling in Russian. He wasn’t thinking clearly enough to be able to translate, but he registered that in his panic he hadn’t thought about Victor’s neighbors hearing the commotion he was causing.

 

_They’re probably going to call the police. And then I’ll go to jail and be alone and Victor will leave me and I’ll be stuck in Russia by myself...oh god what did I do? I deserve this, Victor deserves better. I’m useless and a mess and...oh Victor, I’m sorry._

 

The trauma of the _incident_ combined with his anxiety was causing him to hyperventilate like he had _that night._

 

_Don’t think about it, don’t think about, don’t think about it...don’t…think…_

 

_….don’t think…_

 

_don’t..._

 

_...don’t. I don’t want it. Please, stop!_

 

 _Hands_ were on him. Heavy hands, hands he didn’t want. He couldn’t move, why couldn’t he _move?_ Where was Victor, what was happening? It hurt, it _burned_ and they _wouldn’t stop._

 

“Please, s-stop, I don’t want it, _I don’t want it, I don’t want it, I don’t want it…_ ” the words poured out of his mouth as he sobbed, unaware he was saying them out loud, no longer aware of where he was.

 

He was reliving the event, over and _over._ Endless time seemed to pass, Yuuri caught in a loop of his thoughts.

 

He heard a door open and his heart leapt in hope. People were here, they could see him, they could _save him._

 

“Holy _shit._ Victor...what did he _do?_ ” a scared voice called from a distance. Yuuri recognized it, it was _safe._ But if they were safe...why were hands still _inside him?_

 

“ _Get them off me,”_ he pleaded to the voice, “ _Get them off, get them off, get them off._ ”

 

“Yuuri, Yuuri, love, listen, no one is touching you,” a shaky voice said, “You’re in my apartment. You’re safe. Breathe...breathe with me.”

 

Yuuri felt safe with the voices, but they _weren’t helping him. Why weren’t they helping him?_ Couldn’t they _see_ the hands on him? Yuuri could feel them, so why weren’t they _helping?_

 

He screamed as he felt the hands _twist,_ burning inside him. It hurt, and he clawed at his stomach with his nails, trying to get them _out of him._

 

“What is he doing? Holy shit, what the _fuck_ ,” one of the voices said, sounding terrified.

 

“He’s i-in me. He’s inside me and he _won’t get out_ , p-please, Victor, help me...” Yuuri sobbed.

 

He felt a presence next to him. One that seemed safe.

 

“It’s Victor, I’m right here, please come back to me. Can…can I hold your hand? You’re in Russia, in my apartment. Please, Yuuri!” Victor voice cracked as he gently grasped Yuuri’s hand.

 

The shock of feeling the pressure of a solid, cool hand on his own shocked Yuuri back into present reality. He became aware of several things at once. One, he was sitting in pool of alcohol, glass, and his own blood, arms stinging with small cuts. Two, Yuri was standing in the kitchen, staring at him with a terrified look Yuuri had never seen him wear before. And thirdly, Victor was holding his hand with tears in his eyes.

 

 _Victor_.

 

Victor, whose apartment he had just trashed.

 

“Yuuri...are you back with me?” Victor asked, squeezing his hand gently.

 

The pressure on his hand only reminded Yuuri of his flashback and he yanked away from Victor in fear. He saw the flash of hurt in Victor’s eyes and felt briefly guilty before the crash of adrenaline hit him, _hard._

 

Whimpering, he lay his head down on the floor, hands over his ears. He could still hear the sounds from the alley as if they were happening in the same room.

 

“For fuck’s sake, _get up_ ! You’re lying in _glass_!” Yuri barked at him, a waver in his voice betraying his fear as he forced Yuuri back up into a sitting position. Yuuri was vaguely aware that someone was crying nearby and this time, it wasn’t him.

 

“C-come on, pork cutlet, you’re going to lie down on the bed and get bandaged up,” Yuri said, hoisting Yuuri up.

 

Protesting wordlessly did nothing to shake Yuri from his goal of getting Yuuri to lie down on the bed. He heard rustling, a door slamming, and a box being opened. He felt his arms and feet being cleaned with something that stung and bandaids and bandages being gently placed on the areas that hurt.

 

“Yurio?” his voice cracked, looking up at the young Russian, “Where is Victor?”

 

Looking down at him with an unreadable expression, Yuri looked almost as if he was debating telling him the truth.

 

“Crying in the bathroom,” Yurio said calmly, “What the _fuck_ were you thinking?”

 

Guilt burned through Yuuri’s stomach. He made Victor _cry._

 

“I thought it was real…” was all he could manage to answer.

 

Yuri was looking at him with a softened expression, finishing with the last bandage.

 

“You need help, katsudon,” he said quietly.

 

Yuuri felt the familiar sense of guilt stabbing at his insides.

 

_I’m making everyone worry. It would be better if I wasn’t here, then they could train without distraction._

 

“And don’t do that guilty shit!” Yuri barked, reading his expression, “We just want you to get better, okay? Victor is crying because he cares about you, so don’t go beating yourself up over something that isn’t your fault, got it?”

 

Yuuri sat up quickly, staring at Yuri in surprise.

 

_Not your fault. Not your fault._

 

Yurio squealed in shock as Yuuri flung his arms around him, burying his face in his shoulder, heaving with sobs.

 

“Yeah, okay, okay katsudon, let it out,” Yurio said, awkwardly patting Yuuri on the head, “Uh...there, there.”

 

Yuuri couldn’t even feel embarrassed as Yuri continued to pat his shoulder. He heard the door open and felt the bed shift as Victor sat down on the bed.

 

“Yuri, is he okay?” Victor’s hoarse voice asked.

 

“Ask him, he’s right fucking there,” Yurio scoffed. Yuuri sat up, wiping his eyes before raising his head shakily.

 

Looking up at Victor, Yuuri swallowed nervously.

 

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, “I trashed your apartment and scared Makkachin and…”

 

Victor was in front of him in a second, Yuri getting out of the way to give them space.

 

“Hush, Yuuri,” Victor said, “This is not your fault.”

 

_Not your fault._

 

_Yes it is._

 

_I couldn’t stop it._

 

His breathing quickened, tears slowly rolling down his cheeks.

 

“Yes...yes it is, Victor. I was s-stupid,” Yuuri whispered. He raised his head, looking at his boyfriend in the eyes.

 

“It’s my fault I got raped.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry to leave it there! Yuuri will be getting help, but the rocky road is only just beginning, unfortunately.


	6. Some Secrets Weren’t Meant to be Told

“It was my fault I got raped.”

 

The words echoed around in the room, leaving a cold silence in their wake. Victor looked absolutely  _ shattered _ as he turned away from Yuuri, trying to hide his tears. Yuri stood from the corner, mouth open, a look of horror on his face.

 

“R-rape?” Yuri stammered, looking panicked now, “Victor, what is he saying?”

 

Victor’s shoulders were shaking and Yuuri could tell he was trying to pull himself together before saying anything. It was the first time either of them had admitted out loud what had happened. Yuuri was strangely calm. His episode from earlier seemed to have pulled out all of his emotions, leaving his mind steady enough to voice his feelings on the matter. He was waiting to say any more out loud for fear of upsetting Yurio, who was still just a teenager and didn’t need to be hearing any of this.

 

An awkward, painful silence had filled the room, punctured only by Victor’s shuddering breaths.

 

“Why would you say that?” Victor said quietly, voice wavering.

 

Yuuri looked over at Yurio who was still standing in the room looking extremely uncomfortable.

 

“Yuri, thank you for helping me, but I think Victor and I should talk alone,” Yuuri said quietly, his voice not sounding like his own.

 

_ How am I so calm right now? _

 

Yuri nodded, rushing out of the room, closing the door behind him. Victor turned around and Yuuri’s stomach dropped when he saw tears rolling down his boyfriend’s cheeks. 

 

“Why would you say that?” Victor asked again, "That it's your fault?"

 

Yuuri scooted closer to him, taking his hand. “I’m saying it because it’s true. I was stupid. I took a drink from someone I didn’t know, in a place I’d never been. I was wasted and made a stupid mistake. The blame is mine. I deserved-”

 

“ _ Don’t you dare finish that sentence,” _ Victor hissed, running a shaking hand through his hair. He looked  _ furious,  _ “Just...don’t.”

 

Yuuri nodded, waiting for Victor to calm himself down.

 

_ All I’m doing is upsetting him. He’d be better off if I wasn’t here. _

 

After a time, Victor’s expression relaxed, a storm of emotion in his eyes.

 

“Yuuri, I’m sorry. I just...hearing you say that,” he said quietly, “It's hard.”

 

Coming closer, Victor grabbed both of Yuuri’s hands in his own.  “It's hard because of how much I love you. I know it is selfish for me to be upset, but I just need you to know. Hear me, Yuuri,” he said, pressing their foreheads together, “It was  _ not _ your fault.”

 

_ No, you’re wrong. It was my fault. You won’t believe me, but it’s mine. _

 

Yuuri let Victor hold him, knowing it gave Victor comfort. Yuuri didn’t feel anything. He thought that admitting what happened out loud would cause some kind of visceral reaction, some emotional outburst. Instead, he felt nothing.

 

Victor still held him, rubbing his back gently. Yuuri could tell that Victor was only trying to help, but there wasn’t anything he could do to help.

 

_ I’m sorry, Victor. I’m not good enough for you. _

 

* * *

 

Victor had held Yuuri long into the night until the early morning sun had woken them both from a restless sleep. Victor’s phone buzzed around seven in the morning, a text from Yakov reminding him of his morning training. They had been debating him going to practice for the better part of an hour.

 

“Yuuri are you  _ sure? _ ” Victor asked.

 

“You need to practice,” Yuuri said firmly, “You can’t drop everything for me.”

 

Victor shook his head, “You haven’t eaten since yesterday, and-”

 

They were interrupted by a knock which startled them both. Without waiting, the door flew open.

 

“I’ll stay here today. Victor, go to practice before Yakov has your head,” Yurio said, coming in and flopping on the couch.

 

Victor and Yuuri looked at him in surprise.

 

“Yuri? Don’t you have to skate today?” Yuuri asked quietly. Yuri scoffed at him.

 

“No, Yakov can’t work with us both at the same time,” Yuri said, “He said for me to come here so Victor can keep his mind on practice.”

 

After some come consideration, they agreed to four hours of practice time while Yurio hung out at Victor's apartment. Victor kissed Yuuri on the cheek before leaving, before having a hurried conversation with Yurio in Russian.

 

When Victor closed the door, there was an awkward silence for a moment.

 

“Well, if you need anything I’ll be on this coach destroying Victor’s pathetic record on Mario Kart,” Yuri said casually. Yuuri nodded, heading to the bedroom to try and relax.

 

Yuuri napped on and off, the exhaustion from yesterday’s outburst still present. He knew Victor felt awful for leaving him, but they both agreed that life couldn’t stop just because something horrible happened.

 

Nodding off, Yuuri’s thoughts were peaceful.

 

* * *

 

It was several hours later when Victor’s eccentric neighbors decided to host a party in their apartment. Loud, pounding music began pumping through the walls, vibrations strong enough that Yuuri could feel them in his body.

 

_Who throws a party at 10am?_  

 

He suddenly felt vulnerable, although rationally he knew he was safe. His hands flew to his ears as he tried to block out the noise. He managed to stay calm until someone thudded into the other side of the shared wall. 

 

Leaping up, Yuuri looked for the first hiding place he could find, which was the bottom of Victor’s closet. Luckily, Victor believed in storing his shoes somewhere else besides his closet so the floor was mostly clear. Tucking himself into the corner, he felt some of his panic start to subdue. Feeling a little ridiculous, he thought about texting Victor before realizing his phone was still on the bed. He couldn’t make himself move, it just felt so _safe_ in the closet.

 

“Pork cutlet? You okay with all this noise?” Yurio’s voice came through, “Hey, Yuuri, where are y-”

 

Yuuri looked up to see the closet door opening a fraction as Yuri looked down on him. He was sure he looked awful, face pale and sweaty, hands shaking.

 

“Right,” Yurio said after a moment. Yuuri looked down in embarrassment. He heard Yurio walk away for a moment and heard a backpack unzip. He didn’t open his eyes again until he felt something in his hands. Looking down, he saw a pair of large, noise canceling headphones. Yurio was sitting down in front of him, waiting for something.

 

“What? I thought these would help,” he murmured, sitting next to Yuuri and leaning on the wall, “I use them at the rink when I’m trying to sleep in between practice. If we’re going to sit in this closet you might as well be comfortable.”

 

Yurio pulled out his phone and began watching a video on YouTube. Yuuri put the headphones over his ears and-

 

_ Silence. _

 

The thumping sound of the music was almost all the way drowned out and Yuuri felt the tension slowly abating from his body. Sighing in relief, he closed his eyes and leaned his back on the closet wall. He felt a light poke in his arm and he jumped slightly before looking over to see Yuuri wordlessly offering him a candy bar, obviously stolen from Victor’s room.

 

Yuuri smiled and began to eat. When he finished and put the wrapper down, he saw Yuri looking at him with a mix of slight trepidation and relief.

 

_ Why is he looking at me like that? Oh...he...he got me to eat. And relax. I haven’t been this relaxed since yesterday morning. And have I really not eaten until now? Wow, I can’t believe he was able to calm me down so fast. This is embarrassing. _

 

“T-thanks, Yurio,” he whispered, unable to voice all that he was feeling.

 

“I told you to stop calling me that stupid name,” Yuri answered, without the usual venom. The two sat in silence for a while, Yuuri relishing the peace. 

 

Relaxing against the wall, Yuuri closed his eyes. He still was too riled to leave the safety of the closet, but he felt that here with Yurio, he was safe.

 

* * *

 

Someone was shaking his shoulder. Yuuri blinked awake and looked around, face reddening as he realized he had fallen asleep on Yurio’s shoulder. Oh, and they were  _ in a closet. _ Victor had opened the door and was looking down at them with an amused expression.

 

“What are you two doing in here?” Victor asked, amused. 

 

“I was playing Angry Birds and pork cutlet bowl fell asleep on me,” Yurio said, gently shaking Yuuri up off his shoulder.

 

Yuuri was having trouble hearing before he remembered that he was wearing the headphones. Taking them off, the rush of cool air and ambient sounds flooded his senses. 

 

“Should I even bother asking?” Victor said to Yuuri, looking down at him fondly. 

 

Yuuri blushed, scooting a little away from Yurio. “Your neighbors threw a party,” he said, voice a little hoarse, “The noise was bothering me. Yurio kept me company.”

 

“He ate a candy bar,” Yurio said casually, scrolling through something on his phone. 

 

Victor looked between the two of them in surprise, “You were able to eat something?” Yuuri nodded and he took note of Victor’s relieved expression.

 

Yuri stretched and stood, exiting the closet without a word. Victor held his hand out and Yuuri took it gently, rising up into a gentle hug.

 

“I’m sorry about my neighbors,” Victor murmured into Yuuri’s hair, “I’ll have a word with them about the noise.”

 

Yuuri shook his head, “It’s not their fault or their problem, it’s mine. Yuri’s headphones helped.”

 

Victor looked towards the living room, “It looks like Yuri left. He must have left those for you to keep here.”

 

_ Wow, Yurio, you really do care. I’m sorry it’s not worth it. _

 

“He was really nice to me,” Yuuri said quietly, “It was a little odd.”

 

Victor laughed, “Yes, he is an enigma.” 

 

Yuuri rest his head on Victor’s chest, enjoying the feeling of safe arms being wrapped around him. He breathed in the smell of Victor’s cologne, eyes closing as he relaxed.

 

“I’m sorry I’ve been so difficult,” Yuuri murmured. He whimpered slightly as Victor pulled away to look down in his eyes.

 

“Yuuri...please don’t apologize,” Victor said, “I just want you to know you’re safe with me.”

 

_ I know, I just want to explain how you I’m feeling but I can’t seem to say it. I feel like I’m watching myself riding a roller coaster but I can’t feel any of the sensations. I don’t feel anything at all. That’s why I can’t eat. I don’t want to be here at all, really. Maybe if I just...blurt it out? _

 

Yuuri took a shaky breath before the words came tumbling out.

 

“I’m not safe with you,” he said quietly.

 

_ No, that’s not how I meant it. Well...maybe it’ll be a way to let Victor off the hook. _

 

Victor looked at him, hurt, “What?”

 

Yuuri looked away, knowing that this was hurting Victor. 

 

“I’m sorry Yuuri,” Victor’s said, panicking, “I’ll do better for you, I promise, I swear, anything you need…”

 

Yuuri cut him off by putting a finger on his lip.

 

“That’s not what I mean,” Yuuri said, “I’m not safe with you, because I’m not safe with  _ me.” _

 

Victor looked surprised but gave Yuuri an encouraging nod to continue. 

 

“I don’t even know my own head anymore. I haven’t even thought about skating in days. I just want to sleep,” Yuuri said quietly. Victor looked pained, but he squeezed Yuuri’s hands to show silent support while he talked.

 

“Victor, I...I’ve been thinking about...things and...I...think I need...,” Yuuri paused, “I don’t think...I can keep going on this way.”

 

Victor wrapped his arms around Yuuri in a gentle hug, “I know. We'll get you through this, Yuuri. I love you, katsudon.”

  
Yuuri closed his eyes into the hug, “I love you too, Victor.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a mix of fluff and angst. The meaning of Yuuri's words at the end of this chapter will be made clearer in the next one. I'll say that Victor definitely misunderstood Yuuri's meaning. Next chapter will feature a little more heavily on the angst as some realities hit the fan. Hope you enjoy!


	7. My Conscience Called in Sick Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS: This chapter contains references to suicide, disordered eating, anxiety, and depression. Please be warned.

A few weeks had gone by since the incident with the alcohol cabinet. Yuuri spent his days wandering around Victor’s apartment or lying listlessly in bed, unable to eat. While Victor was skating with Yuri, Yuuri would spend some time building up his energy so he could put on a brave face when his boyfriend returned home.

Depression was now a fixture in his life. It had been a while since it had visited, his anxiety usually being the one that called a lot of the shots. However, Yuuri knew depression like an old childhood enemy and he knew how it could worm it’s way back into his life. He was good at faking happy, at least.

Victor seemed to be falling for the facade, not acknowledging how Yuuri was when he was gone. He never brought up the fact that the apartment was a mess, dishes in the sink, clothes on the floor. Yuuri tried, he really did, but he just couldn’t make himself do any chores around the apartment. He did manage to make sure Makkachin had a few short walks a day and food and water, but beyond that he was too drained to do much of anything. He wasn’t sure if he was really fooling Victor, but he hoped his boyfriend wasn’t too worried with his lack of participation in, well, _life_.

He had purposely not looked at his phone or a computer since he found out about the articles. Victor had apologized profusely about that, saying that he was worried Yuuri would be more upset if he had found out about them during his hospital stay. He also warned Yuuri that it was likely reporters would try to contact him for a statement if he kept his phone on.

Yuuri could not care less. He didn’t care about anything, these days.

 

* * *

 

It was five p.m. on a Thursday when he realized that beyond a few grocery store runs and brief walks with Makkachin, he had barely left the apartment the whole time he had been in St. Petersburg.

 

_I haven’t really seen St. Petersburg yet. Victor’s practicing at the rink for another few hours, I might as well try to be a good boyfriend and get him some coffee or something from a local store._

 

Without thinking more about it, he stood up from the couch, put on a coat, and walked out of the apartment. He saw that the coffee shop Victor liked down the street was closed.

 

_Oh well, I can still walk around. There’s lots of things I haven’t seen in this city. Maybe I can grab Victor something else to surprise him._

 

It was snowing gently, flakes tingling as they landed on his face. Lights from the buildings were sparkling against the white ground, his feet making fresh footprints on the sidewalk.

 

_This city is beautiful. I can see why Victor loves it here._

 

He continued to walk, until the evening had turned to night, stars twinkling amidst the snowflakes. It wasn’t until the sun had gone down that it struck him.

 

He was lost. Lost and he had been gone for hours.

 

_Oh god. I didn’t leave a note for Victor. Please tell me I brought my phone…_

  
He checked his pockets in a panic, looking for his cell. Smacking his forehead, he realized that he had left it on the bedside table, where it had been sitting for days, untouched.

 

_Victor is going to be so worried. I am horrible, he’s going to think the worst. I am such an idiot!_

 

Yuuri was in a panic now as the full force of his actions hit him. Anxiety took the wheel and his brain began to churn out images of all the worst case scenarios that could happen to him. He was in a strange city where he didn’t speak the language, lost and without a phone, after all.

 

Frantically he began to search for something, _anything_ that looked familiar. A clock on the street told him it was now 11:45pm. He sped up to almost a run, looking for a way back.

 

_Victor’s been home for hours. I can’t even imagine what he’s thinking right now. Ok, get it together. I can’t panic right now. I can’t let my anxiety get a hold of me. If I have a panic attack on the street someone will find me and I’ll end up in a hospital._

 

His steps slowed down as he continued to think.

 

_Am I panicked for me? Or for Victor? Do I really care about what I’m feeling? No...this is about him. I care about him and I am worried he is upset over me. Wouldn’t it be better for him if I just didn’t come home at all?  After all, without me he’d be halfway through his new program for this season. Instead, he’s barely been practicing. Wouldn’t it be better for him if I wasn’t around?_

 

Yuuri stopped in the middle of the sidewalk.

 

_Wow...I’ve never really thought of it so plainly. Do I really...want to not be around Victor? No, of course not that, but maybe…_

 

_Maybe just...not be here...at all._

 

Anxiety and depression were battling in his head, depression telling him calmly to run away, to not exist, and anxiety panicking about what would happen if he did. He stood there, motionless, while the thoughts swirled in his head.

 

_I always doubt myself on everything, so how do I know what the right decision is? Before Victor, I really never thought much of myself. I know he loves me, but am I worth it? I am nothing compared to him. Do I still really not think much of myself at all? Should I? Am I worth any of this?_

 

Depression hit him with thoughts of all the times that Yuuri had let Victor down, especially in the past few weeks. Anxiety punched back with images of Victor’s face crying over him, over the things he had done.

 

_I am so sorry, Victor. No matter what I choose, I always end up hurting you._

 

Eventually, anxiety won the battle and his panic over worrying Victor consumed his mind. He made the decision to continue looking for a way back to the apartment. About an hour through his search, he recognized the coffee shop from down the road and in relief, headed towards the familiar brick building.

 

Anxiety was now fully in control as he entered the apartment building, slowly walking up the stairs.

 

_What am I going to say to Victor? What am I going to do? He’s going to hate me. And I don’t blame him. This is my fault. Again, it’s my screw up. Why do I keep making such stupid choices?_

 

When he reached Victor’s apartment door, he could hear a familiar angry voice inside, speaking fast, panicked Russian.

 

_Why is Yurio here? Is Victor in there too? Is he worried? Is he mad? I have to know but I’m too scared to open the door._

 

He stood there for a solid minute listening to Yurio inside before he put the handle on the knob, turning it slowly and pushing the door open. He didn’t have the courage to look at in the room as the voice fell silent.

 

The impact of arms being thrown around him almost knocked him right off his feet. The arms weren’t the comforting ones he was used to.

 

_Yurio is hugging me._

 

“Fucking idiot,” Yuri muttered, face buried in his chest, “Where the hell have you been?”

 

Yuuri raised his eyes to look around the room. It was empty apart from them. Anxiety squeezed at his heart.

 

_Where is Victor? Why is Yurio here?_

 

“I got lost,” Yuuri said quietly, “And I forgot my phone. I’m so sorry for the trouble.” Yuri pulled away from him, letting out an impressive string of Russian curse words as he pulled out his phone.

 

“Victor is out looking for you,” Yuri said gruffly, “I texted him to tell him you were back safe.” Yuuri nodded, unable to make eye contact with him.

 

Yurio was now standing about five feet away from him, arms crossed, expression _furious._

 

“What the fuck is wrong with you, katsudon?” he snarled, “I have _never_ seen Victor that upset. How could you be so stupid? Are you...are you trying to give him a heart attack or something? How could you be such an idiot to leave your phone here and not even write a damn note _telling anyone where the fuck you were going?”_

 

Yuuri stood, staring at the carpet with a chastised expression. Yuri seemed to only get more worked up by his complacent attitude and continued his ranting.

 

“You need _help_ , okay? Smashing bottles? Panic attacks? Hiding in the _closet?_ And whatever the _fuck_ tonight was. Victor’s worried about you, I’m worried about you and...and…” Yuri trailed off for a moment and Yuuri looked up in surprise.

 

Yuri was _crying_.

 

“Don’t look at me like that!” Yuri snarled, tears on his cheeks, “I thought you were dead, okay? I thought you went and did something idiotic and I’d never have the chance to skate against you again.”

 

_I even hurt Yurio. Everything I touch breaks. I’m a burden to Victor and to you as well. I’m trying not to be, but I know I am. I always have been. I am so, so sorry._

 

“Yurio, I…” Yuuri managed, before the words caught in his throat. The two looked at each other for a few moments, at an awkward impasse. Before either could say anything else, the door opened hurriedly.

 

Victor was there looking more disheveled than Yuuri had ever seen him. He had obviously been crying and his pants were stained with dirt. With a hard look on his face, he threw his arms around Yuuri, ignoring his other teammate completely.

 

He embraced Yuuri for several long moments, breathing heavily in his ear from racing up the stairs. Both were still cold from being outside and the chill from Victor’s jacket made Yuuri want to curl into him even more.

 

_I’m so sorry. So, so sorry._

 

Pulling away he scanned Yuuri’s face and body as if looking for injuries.

 

“Are you alright?” Victor said in a steely voice Yuuri had rarely heard from him. He nodded in response, unable to think of a thing to say.

 

“ _Never_ do that again,” Victor said in the same steely, hard voice, “Look at me, please.”

 

Yuuri looked up into his eyes and he felt part of his heart break. Victor looked more than upset, he looked _shattered._ He could tell that like Yurio, Victor had also assumed the worst had happened.

 

“Never again,” Victor repeated. Yuuri nodded, swallowing tightly as Victor buried his face in Yuuri’s neck.

 

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri whispered, as he held on to his boyfriend. Words didn’t seem like enough to fix this.

 

_I’m just a burden. Look at what I’m doing to them. They’re a mess because of me and I can’t even think of anything to say. Come on, Yuuri, you caused this mess. Fix it!_

 

“I am staying here tonight,” Yurio said from the kitchen, “I’ll crash on the couch.” Victor nodded in assent as Yurio threw himself down on the futon, Makkachin happily leaping up next to him.

 

Victor and Yuuri broke apart, walking into their shared bedroom. Both knew they needed to talk, alone. Yuuri sat on the edge of the bed while Victor closed the door before sitting down next to him.

 

_What do I do? Did I ruin this? Is this the last straw? Should I leave?_

_Should I tell him I thought about-_

_No. He’s worried enough. He doesn’t need to know about that, it’s not like I would have actually-_

 

“Yuuri?” Victor asked worriedly, brushing a hair off his face, “You’re freezing.”

 

Yuuri cupped his cheek gently, shaking himself from his thoughts “So are you. I’m sorry, Victor. I honestly just meant to run down the street to get you coffee and I got sidetracked...and then lost.” Victor nodded, still looking a little sick.

 

“Yurio already read me the riot act,” Yuuri said, “I’m so sorry for worrying you like this.” Victor ran a hand through his hair, looking frazzled.

 

“Yuuri, do you even know...how worried we were? We...we looked _everywhere_. For hours. I almost called the _politsiya_. I thought...we thought you were dead,” Victor said, choking out the last part.

 

_I can’t fix this. He’ll never trust me again. I’ve hurt him so badly. Such a burden._

 

Anxiety owned him now, clawing up his stomach into his heart and throat.

 

_I’ve ruined this. This is over._

 

“Are you...do you want to...I mean, I understand if…” Yuuri stuttered nervously, “I understand if you want me to leave.”

 

Victor looked at him as if he were a stranger. “Do you honestly think after spending a whole night looking for you in a panic that I’d ever think about letting you go?” he said quietly, “Not if I can help it.”

 

_He says it now, but he’ll change his mind. He’ll realize I’m not worth this effort eventually._

 

“Yuuri, I _love_ you. All I want is for you to be safe, happy, healthy, and well. That’s it. That’s all,” Victor said, holding Yuuri’s hand gently while he laid his head on Victor’s shoulder.

 

_I can never be safe again. I’ve been violated once and it would be too easy to happen again. I’m not safe, I’m in danger and a danger to Victor’s happiness._

 

“I love you too, Victor,” he said, a waver in his voice betraying some of his thoughts.

 

Victor kissed him gently before taking hold of both of his hands. “Yuuri, I don’t want to pressure you, but I think it’s time that you see someone. A professional. Someone that can help you work through this.”

 

_He knows how broken I am, he knows I’m too much of a burden for him._

 

Depression sighed in contentment as Yuuri found it harder to avoid accepting feeling numb. Anxiety tore through his brain on high speed, churning out the worst possible scenarios.

 

_Anyway this plays out, I’m going to lose Victor. He can’t train for his season being chained to someone like me. What do I say to him? What are the words I can use? I can’t disappoint him but there’s also no way I can make him happy. What can I say?_

  
“Okay,” was what he said instead, “I’ll do it.”


	8. Brace Yourself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is called “brace yourself” for a reason. Please check the trigger warnings before you read this. This chapter was by far the hardest for me to write and was very emotional for me.
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Talk of suicide, depression, anxiety, drug references, vomiting

 

_Panic._

 

It clawed its way up into his throat, making his head feel swollen and hot. His hands were ice cold and shaking, horror trembling in his stomach. Depression had been living comfortably in him for a few weeks, numbness taking hold. But now, anxiety was making a comeback.

 

_I can’t do this._

 

Yuuri couldn’t stop _pacing._

 

He was so _riled,_ so incredibly _on edge_. Every noise was bothering him, every tick of the clock irked him. The city lights shined through the window of the living room where Yuuri was currently pacing. Victor and Makkachin were long asleep, as it was the middle of the night. Tomorrow was the first day he was going to see a therapist and Yuuri had never been more agitated in his life.

 

 _Okay, okay I can do this. I can do this. I’ll do this for Victor._ _No, no I can’t. I can’t. I can’t talk to someone, I can’t be honest with them. If I’m honest about how I feel, they’ll send me away and I’ll lose Victor and my career will be over._

_If I tell them how I feel so scared, so...so dirty...I just..._

_I can’t do it._

_Victor is going to be so disappointed in me._

 

He ran shaking hands through his hair while he felt his chest tightening. He couldn’t calm himself down. A siren outside blared suddenly and he jumped in surprise, heartbeat quickening.

 

_I can’t do this. Okay, calm down. If you don’t calm down, you’ll wake up Victor and you’ve already disappointed him enough lately._

 

Yuuri shuffled quietly to the bathroom, closing the door behind him. He turned on a faucet bracing his hands on either side of the sink, facing his reflection in the mirror. He knew he looked awful. Dark circles were under his eyes and he had lost about ten pounds, making his once lithe body gaunt and weak. His hair was stringy and getting too long. Disgusted with his reflection, Yuuri looked away and opened the medicine cabinet, looking for something to tie back his hair.

 

Rifling through, he was surprised to find that Victor still had all of his medications from his hospital stay in Barcelona. The labels were in Spanish and Yuuri was trying to remember which was which. After sorting them through, he found the ones for sleeping.

 

_What if I take some of these? If I take them, it could get me through the night and then help me make it through my appointment._

 

Without hesitating, he swallowed a couple of the pills, downing them with a glass of water by the sink. Soon after, he felt a pleasant sleepy sensation overwhelm him, but it wasn’t enough to stop the panic.

 

_These are making me feel good. A couple more will help settle me down. I might even forget about things for one night._

 

Sluggishly, he took a few more, now feeling almost sedated. He took off his glasses, setting them down on the counter. He felt detached from his body, his arms seeming longer than normal.

 

_There’s only more in there. That’ll be enough. I’ll take that one and then everything will be okay._

 

He struggled but finally swallowed the last pill before his legs no longer seemed able to support his weight. Sinking down on the bathmat, he curled up, the empty pill bottle in his fist. It was the first time since his assault he had felt completely relaxed and at peace.

 

* * *

 

It _hurt._

 

Hands were on him, hands were all over him. Someone close by, surrounding him with their arms. Fingers were _in_ him. Fingers were in his _mouth_.

 

_Oh god, not again, please no._

 

Disgusted and terrified at the feeling of fingers in his mouth, Yuuri turned over and vomited, coughing and spluttering. His stomach hurt and he curled into a ball to protect himself. He tried to call out, but he couldn’t, his throat was too sore. The light was too bright and it _hurt._ Someone near him was speaking in a rushed, panicked voice. Was it....Spanish, like in the alley? No, it was something else...Russian?

 

He slowly stirred, feeling something soft beneath him. An acrid smell permeated the air and he felt sluggish and cold.

 

_I’m so tired. Just let me sleep._

 

“-uri! Yuuri, _lyubov moya,_ can you hear me? Come on, let me see your beautiful eyes,” a panicked voice said, “Please, _malysh,_ please, don’t leave me like this.”

 

Yuuri cracked open an eye, disoriented and confused. His throat was burning and he was so _sleepy._ He saw Victor’s face above him, but he was too tired to keep his eyes open. He tried to raise a hand to brush Victor’s cheek, but he couldn’t.

 

_Let me sleep._

 

“I need you to stay awake, Yuuri, _”_ Victor pleaded tearfully, “Come on, listen to the sound of my voice. Help is coming, but you need to stay awake.”

 

_I don’t need help, I need to sleep._

 

“No! No, Yuuri, _please!_ ” Victor was screaming now.

 

He heard Victor’s voice break until it dissolved into tears. He felt Victor holding him, crying into his hair, pleading with him. He tried to move his arms to hold Victor, but he was just too tired, _too damn tired_.

 

The darkness overtook him again.

 

_Victor...I’m sorry._

 

* * *

 

**_Beep._ **

**_Beep._ **

**_Beep._ **

**_Beep._ **

 

“What happened?” asked a voice somewhere to his right.

 

**_Beep._ **

**_Beep._ **

 

“He...h-he…” a second voice stammered, “He took some pills.”

 

There was a long pause before a quiet voice asked, “How many pills?”

 

“Enough, Yurachka,” a gruff voice said, “Victor, this has gone on long enough. You must both take time off until Yuuri is better. I will not hear of having either of you at my rink until you can focus on practice.”

 

“Are you _serious?_ You’re banning us?” said an angry voice, “If pork cutlet was awake, do you know how shitty that would make him feel?”

 

Yuuri felt a dip as someone sat down next to him.

 

_Why can’t I open my eyes?_

 

A hand brushed through his hair.

 

_Victor._

 

“No, Yurio,” Victor said, “Yakov is right. I can’t skate like this and as much as you hate to admit it, neither can you.”

 

Yakov’s voice came through again. “I will be leaving now. I will ask Mila and the others to keep this private. And Victor...know we are here for you. For you both.”

 

Victor murmured a quiet “thank you” as Yakov excited. Yuuri felt another dip in the bed as he felt a second person sit down.

 

_Yurio? I wish I could move, this is so frustrating._

 

“What do I tell Otabek? Christophe, Phichit, hell, even JJ has been asking about him since someone sent that damn tweet about seeing him loaded in an ambulance with you tonight,” Yurio said angrily.

 

“Tell them that Yuuri had an accident, but he will be fine and I will call them later. I already called his family to tell them the truth,” Victor sighed.

 

“Victor...what is it?” Yurio asked, after a pause.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Did his parents say something to you?”

 

Victor let out a heavy sigh and Yuuri felt a warm hand hold his own. He felt a small stab of fear in his stomach as a thought crossed his mind.

 

_No. No, they didn’t tell you. Please tell me my mom didn’t tell you._

 

“His mom told me...this is not the first time Yuuri has been like this,” Victor sniffed a little.

 

Yurio seemed shocked, “ _What?_ Are you saying he tried to...you know, another time?”

 

Victor’s hand started rubbing Yuuri’s gently while he talked. “She said...that he was in a dark place last year, and they had a fear of something like this happening for a while.”

 

“ _Shit,_ ” Yuri cursed, “Victor, how many pills did he take?”

 

“Yuri…”

 

“No, tell me. Tell me how many. Was he really trying...to, you know, k-kill himself?” Yurio asked shakily.

 

Victor sighed, “I don’t know. I wish he could wake up, so I could ask. I don’t...I can’t imagine him doing that. I think maybe he just got overwhelmed and wanted to sleep. I...I feel so guilty, I was in the next room and couldn’t do anything.”

 

“Fuck off, Victor, this isn’t about you!” Yuri said angrily, shifting on the bed, “This is about those fucking _assholes_ that r-raped him in Spain. If you’re going to blame anyone for this, blame those shitheads.”

 

There was another long pause, and all Yuuri could hear was the steading beeping of the machines.

 

_I must be in the hospital again._

 

“I had to make him throw them up,” Victor whispered after a time. There was silence following that, Yurio obviously not knowing what to say.

 

“I h-had to stick my fingers down his throat and make him vomit up sleeping pills.”

 

_Oh god, that was Victor who did that? Oh no, I am so sorry. Why do you let me keep doing this to you?_

 

“Jesus, Victor,” Yuri mumbled, “I...I don’t know what to say.” Victor murmured something back in Russian and the two began to talk quietly.

 

_I’m awake now, but I’m scared to open my eyes._

_I don’t know what to say to you. Either of you._

_How will I face everyone?_

_It’s just one idiotic mistake after another with me._

_I guess I can’t pretend to be asleep forever._

 

Cracking an eye open, Yuuri looked up to see Victor sitting next to him, Yurio at the end of his bed. Yuri noticed he was awake first.

 

“Katsudon!” he cried, causing Victor to look down in surprise, “You’re awake!”

 

Yuuri managed a nod, still not trusting his voice. Victor shifted so that he was in the chair next to Yuuri’s bed, more able to see his face.

 

“Yuuri love, you...gave us quite a scare,” he said, pressing a kiss to Yuuri’s ring finger. The gold ring still gleamed there, a promise of a future engagement, marriage, _life._ The sight of it made tears burn in Yuuri’s eyes.

 

_I’m such a failure. I’m so sorry, Victor._

 

“Did you try to off yourself?” Yuri’s gruff voice interrupted the moment.

 

“Yuri!” Victor barked, scandalized. Yurio ignored him, continuing on.

 

“I swear, pork cutlet, if you had offed yourself before we had a chance to face off on the ice, I would have dug you back up out of the ground and killed you again.”

 

Victor was looking at Yuuri in trepidation, concerned about Yuuri’s reaction. In spite of himself, Yuuri found himself smiling.

 

“I wouldn’t blame you,” he said in a hoarse whisper, “But I wasn’t...I really wasn’t trying to kill myself, I promise.”

 

“Good,” Yurio said, looking a little ashamed at his outburst. Both Victor and Yuuri’s eyes widened in surprise Yurio quickly flung his arms around Yuuri in a tight, full bodied hug before pulling away and exiting the room as quickly as possible, door closing in his wake.

 

Victor looked back to Yuuri, smoothing the hair from off his forehead.

 

“I am glad you are alright,” he whispered, kissing Yuuri on the forehead. Feeling Victor’s cool lips, he closed his eyes and relaxed, reaching up a hand to hold on to Victor’s arm.

 

“I’ve been dealing with anxiety my whole life,” Yuuri stated. Victor looked surprised, but he nodded.

 

“I know you have trouble before you compete,” he said, “Is it more than that?”

 

Yuuri almost laughed at the question.

 

_How do I explain this to a “normal” person?_

 

“Yes...it’s like...everything you do, you doubt yourself,” Yuuri said in a stronger voice, “There is no decision in my life I can make that I will not second guess even if I firmly believe it is the right one. Sometimes, it makes me have panic attacks. I had my first one when I was five.”

 

Victor looked afraid to interrupt.

 

_Probably because I never talk about my anxiety. It does feel good to talk about it out loud. Maybe I'll go to that therapist appointment after all._

 

“Last year after the Grand Prix, I had trouble eating because my anxiety was off the rails. I tried to pull myself together by coming home to Hasetsu. My parents knew something was wrong and they were going to get me help. About then is when you showed up for the first time.”

 

Pulling himself up, he looked Victor straight in the eyes. “You saved me. Don’t ever forget that, Victor.”

 

Victor leaned down, kissing Yuuri gently on the lips, pulling away and looking lovingly into his eyes.

 

“I wish I could have done more for you tonight,” Victor said, “I...I have never been so scared. You seem to be an expert lately in making me experience new levels of terror.”

 

Yuuri’s gut clenched with guilt, but Victor had a right to voice his hurts, too. It was how they would heal.

 

“I am sorry,” Yuuri said, looking down, “I never meant for this to happen. I was honestly just trying to sleep. I was anxious for my appointment tomorrow and thought that if I slept, it would make it better. And then taking the pills made me forget, so I took more.”

 

“I believe you, katsudon, but we have a lot to talk about when you are feeling better,” Victor said, “About what needs to happen now.”

 

Yuuri nodded, not brave enough to ask for details.

 

“I love you,” he offered up shyly, unsure if Victor still wanted to hear it.

  
“I love you too. Always.'


	9. Like a Sucker Punch

Yuuri was in the hospital for a long time.

 

After a seventy-two hour observation, he had voluntarily committed himself to more time under their care. He knew he needed help and the counseling they offered him seemed the right thing to do, given how he had been acting since the assault.

 

Seeing a therapist was hard. The first several sessions, he had been too anxious to say much, mostly just looking down or answering “yes” and “no” to questions she would ask. The language barrier was also a challenge, given that both of them were speaking their second language to communicate. Yuuri knew he might have an easier time with a therapist who spoke Japanese, but the thought of leaving St. Petersburg, leaving Victor, to find one was out of the question for him.

 

The second week in the hospital, Yuuri finally lost it during a session, shouting at his therapist. He was embarrassed and apologetic at first, but she encouraged him to continue his outburst. Ranting and raving, he felt emotion pouring out of him that had been bottled up for months. At the end of it, he felt like he had run a marathon and like a weight had been lifted. When the session finished, he even laughed.

 

It was the lightest he had felt in months.

 

Victor came to visit daily, of course. The hospital had strict visiting hours, and they had little to no alone time, but both cherished the brief time that they were able to spend together. Yurio even came a couple of times a week, sometimes with Yakov or Mila in tow.

 

Yuuri’s family skyped in from Hasetsu on a daily basis as well. They had come to see him initially, staying for a week before they had to return to the osen. Through it all, Yuuri felt supported and loved.

 

The third week in the hospital, he struggled with an onset of anxiety. He refused to eat his meals and wouldn’t speak during therapy. Eventually, he pushed through it with help from his therapist and his friends.

 

The fourth week in the hospital, Yuuri was beginning to feel more confident and strong. He had been working out in the hospital’s gym facility whenever he could, getting his body back into shape for skating. He had made it his goal to skate the next season and win gold, late practice start be damned.

 

Through it all, Victor was there with unfailing support.

 

The fifth and final week in the hospital, Yuuri tearfully thanked his nurses, doctors, and therapists. They had helped him through the worst of it and now, with weekly check ins with his therapist, he felt he could go back to leading his life.

 

The day of his release, after nearly forty days in the hospital, his Russian skating family was there to take him home. They piled into Yakov’s car, heading towards the place Yuuri had missed the most.

 

_The ice._

 

“I warn you, word of your release will have spread,” Yakov said from the driver’s seat, “There will likely be reporters waiting for you when we get there. The public is curious as to why you were committed for so long.”

 

Yuuri nodded while Victor squeezed his hand from the seat next to him. In the passenger seat, Yuri was scoffing loudly.

 

“Psh, if they think they can bother us today, they have another thing coming. I want to skate, damn it,” he spat.

 

“Me too,” Yuuri said quietly. He was in good physical condition, almost back where he was at the Grand Prix several months before. Using the gym in the hospital plus regular sleep and meals was helping, too.

 

They pulled into the parking lot of the rink and Yuuri’s gut clenched when he saw about fifteen reporters and a news van waiting outside on the steps.

 

“Are you ready to do this?” Victor asked him, “We can go home if this is too much.”

 

Yuuri shook his head, unbuckling his seatbelt. “I can do this.”

 

The four of them exited the van, grabbing their equipment and heading towards the door. When the reporters noticed them walking up they found themselves fairly quickly surrounded. Yakov was waving them away with his hands while Yurio shoved through, angrily walking up the steps. Every few feet he’d turn around to make sure that Victor and Yuuri were still following.

 

Victor was smiling, a strained version of his usually charming public facade. Yuuri had been planning on keeping his mouth shut, his anxiety bubbling as he thought of having to speak to the press. The reporters were asking questions in both Russian and English.

 

"-why have you decided to finally return to-"

"-Mr. Katsuki, Mr. Katsuki can you tell us where you have been-"

"-owe it to your fans to give a statement-

 

His anxiety began to give way to frustration, and then finally to anger.

 

 _You behave recklessly when you feel cornered_ , his therapist had told him once.

 

_I guess that’s always been true._

 

Spinning around, Yuuri faced the press who looked surprised that he had acknowledged them. Victor looked surprised as well, but stood firmly at Yuuri’s side. Yurio trotted back towards them, hanging back, glaring at the reporters.

 

“ _Dostatochno!”_ Yuuri said, “Enough!”

 

The reporters silenced, holding out their microphones and cameras, prepared to listen. Victor opened his mouth, but Yuuri raised a hand to silence him as well.

 

“ _I can speak for myself,”_ he said to Victor in Russian. Victor looked shocked at Yuuri’s command of the language.

 

_Not sure why, I have been here a few months. I’ve learned some things._

_Oh no, I have their attention. Now what? What would Victor say? No, I can’t say what he'd say. He’s too charming with the media, and I’m not like that. What would Yurio say?_

_He’d probably tell them to fuck off._

 

“I am here because I want to skate,” Yuuri said in English this time, “I haven’t skated in a long time.”

 

_I could use Yurio's attitude and confidence right now. But Mom would be mad I swore at the press, so I’ll be careful on that front._

 

“Mr. Katsuki, can you tell us where you have been these last months?” One of the reporters asked. Yuuri nodded.

 

“I have been in the _bol'nitsa,”_ he said, “The hospital.” He turned to look out at the reporters, who seemed eager to hear more, which angered him.

 

_Vultures! They just want a story. Well, everyone I love and care about knows the truth about what happened. My family, Victor, the Russian skaters, Phichit...what does it matter if everyone else knows, too? I may as well come clean._

_It might even help someone._

_But I can’t say it into these cameras and microphones, no way! Although, I think I could...I could type it. What if I give them a statement online?_

 

“I will be posting details online later today," he said before he could change his mind, "Now, I want to skate. Please excuse me.”

 

The reporters called out more questions, but they all walked away, heading into the building to practice. Once inside and the doors closed, Victor hugged him tightly.

 

“I am so proud of you! Standing up to the press is hard,” he said, kissing Yuuri’s forehead, “Did you mean what you said about posting details?”

 

Yuuri nodded. “Yes, all of it. Everything. Everyone I love already knows the truth anyway.”

 

Victor hugged him again, a show of silent support. They broke apart and Yuuri shot Victor a smile, one of the first real smiles he had given in months.

 

They walked to the rink together, hand in hand.

 

* * *

 

Yuuri ached _everywhere._ He had fallen several times and his feet hurt. Yurio was yelling insults at him and Victor was correcting tiny flaws in his form.

 

He was having the time of his _life._

 

“Yuuri, again!” Victor barked, “Control the speed better on that spin.” Yuuri nodded, attempting the move another time. It had been over an hour and he really was beginning to feel like his old self. Despite the aches and tough coaching, he felt  _amazing._

 

“Water break!” Victor called out to him and Yurio as they skated to the edge of the rink. Victor excused himself to go speak to Yakov about his own program, leaving Yuuri and Yuri alone on a bench.

 

“Hey, Katsudon,” Yuri said, “Earlier, you looked like you wanted to eat those reporters alive.”

 

Yuuri laughed a little. “Yes, they were really getting on my nerves. I actually thought about telling them off.”

 

Yuri stood up, stretching out his arms. “Still mad about it?” he asked.

 

Yuuri shrugged. "I guess."

 

_Wow, I guess he does know me pretty well._

 

“Come on,” Yurio said, “Let’s work off some of that anger.” He beckoned Yuuri to follow him. Yuri walked over to the sound system on the side of the rink. Plugging in his phone, a pounding, screaming rock song began to blare through the speakers.

 

_Not really my taste...what does he have in mind with this?_

 

“Now, go show me your spins. The one you were working on with Victor was shit,” Yuri spat. Yuuri narrowed his eyes, but he nodded, heading out to the ice and running the move again.

 

_Not fast enough. I’m so out of shape, ugh!_

 

“Pathetic!” Yuri called over the music, “How do you expect to win gold looking like that?”

 

Yuuri’s face burned and the anger bubbled up inside him.

 

_What exactly are you playing at here, Yurio?_

 

“Come on, do it again! And don’t waste my time with stupid mistakes!” Yuri shouted. Gritting his teeth, Yuuri tried it again.

 

“Fucking _finally,_ at least that one was fast enough,” Yuri called out, “But with that pathetic speed, I doubt you could even land a double axel!”

 

_You’re really starting to get on my nerves, kid._

 

Yuuri positioned himself for a double axel, music still pounding through the rink. He set up for the jump, only to misjudge the distance and end with a shaky landing.

 

“What the hell was _that?”_ Yurio called out.

 

“Fuck you!” Yuuri shouted back, before realizing the words that had come out of his mouth. Face burning, he positioned to do the double axel again.

 

_What was that? I never swear at people like that. You know what...no, screw him. I'll show him. I’ll do the quad flip. He’s never landed that jump._

 

Yuuri skated furiously, leaping into the air for the quad flip. He landed it perfectly, skates gliding effortlessly on the ice.

 

“Nice, Katsudon!” Yuri called out, “You skate well when you're pissed at me."

 

“Screw you!” Yuuri shouted back.

 

_Why am I shouting at him? I never do this. And why does he seem to be enjoying it?_

 

The loud rock music pounded through the rink, igniting Yuuri’s energy.

 

_Well, I’ll show him. I’ll run through both my programs from last year and I’ll make them flawless. Then, I’ll choreograph a new one._

 

Yuuri skated furiously through both of his programs before he realized that the loud music had long since stopped. Victor was standing next to Yuri on the edge of the rink, looking between them both in confusion.

 

“What are you doing?” he asked Yuri.

 

“Anger management,” Yuri responded. He turned to face Yuuri, scowl on his face.

 

“Oi, pork cutlet bowl! I still think you can do better,” he scoffed.

 

Yuuri skated over, out of breath from running both his old routines without a break.

 

“And I think you’re an asshole,” he said, without any real malice. Victor looked a little unsettled at their interaction, but when he saw the smiles on both of their faces, he relaxed a bit.

 

_Yurio was trying to get me to blow off steam and practice. I actually do feel a lot better. I feel like I can work on a new routine now. Wow, that was really cathartic. Maybe he'll let me yell at him more often._

 

“Victor,” he said, turning to his boyfriend, “I think I have a theme for the new season.”

 

Victor raised an eyebrow. “What’s that?”

 

Yuuri looked the younger Russian in the eye, giving him a curt nod before turning back to his boyfriend.

  
“Strength.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this was a nice break from the extreme angst of the last few chapters. Thanks as always for the reviews and kudos you wonderful people have been leaving. <3


	10. Did You Never Want to Be Alone?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of an interlude chapter that focuses on the people who have been holding up Yuuri this whole time, because being a caretaker and a supporter takes a toll, too. I debated how to write this, but I decided since the whole fic is from Yuuri’s POV, it would be weird to change it for one chapter. So this is, in Yuuri’s eyes, how he comes to realize what his support systems mean to him.

 

“Yurachka! Concentrate!” Yakov shouted. Yuuri looked out to see an angry Yurio picking himself up off the ice after a fall.

 

_ He hasn’t fallen during practice in a while, I wonder what’s up today. _

 

“I know, I know!” Yuri barked to his coach, “Stupid jump. I will  _ land it.” _

 

On the last two words he tried the salchow again, this time landing it perfectly. Yuuri smiled at Yuri’s proud expression and decided it was a good time for a break. Shaking over to the edge of the rink, he put on his skate guards and sat on a bench, drinking from his water bottle. Victor was to the side, reading through emails on his phone. Yurio skated off shortly after, heading into the restroom. Yuuri laid down on the bench, enjoying the break, muscles aching from skating. He didn’t realize he was alone until he hear Victor and Yuri talking in the distance in Russian.

 

Yuuri had picked up enough Russian that he could follow most of the conversations he heard on the rink. He wasn’t sure if Victor knew how much he could understand, but he wanted to keep his learning Russian somewhat of a secret. He had a plan to surprise Victor by taking him out on a date and speaking only in Russian the whole time.

 

“Don’t be  _ tupoj,  _ Victor,” Yuri said angrily, “I’m fine.”

 

_ Is he calling Victor dumb? _

 

“You aren’t fine! I haven’t seen you miss that jump in two years!” Victor argued. 

 

“ _ Po'shyol 'na hui! _ ” Yuri screamed.

 

_ I don’t know that. I think that might mean ‘fuck off’ but I’m not sure. _

 

“Language, Yurio,” Victor chastised, “Now what is going on?”

 

There was a long pause and it occurred to Yuuri that he was blatantly eavesdropping.

 

_ I should stop listening to this. They’re being careless because they don’t think I understand them and that’s not fair if Yuri wants to talk about something personal. _

 

“My birthday is coming up,” Yuri said, “My sixteenth. It’s next week.”

 

“I know, Yurachka.”

 

“Otabek is flying out to visit and he wants to take me to some dance clubs.”

 

Yuuri’s heart skipped a beat.  _ Oh. _

 

“And is this upsetting to you?” Victor asked.

 

“OF COURSE IT IS,  _ ‘SUKA _ !” Yuri yelled, “When I think about the last time we went out…”

 

_ Did he just call Victor a bitch? Wait...last time...is he talking about… _

 

“Yurio…” Victor sighed, “You know what happened to Yuuri wasn’t your fault.”

 

“I KNOW! I’m just scared, okay? Katsudon isn’t an idiot and if something like that could happen to him when we were all there together...everyone always says I’m too pretty and to watch myself and I’m just-”

 

_ Oh, Yurio. _

 

Not able to fight the guilt of listening in any longer, Yuuri stood up and headed over, pushing open the door to the locker room, causing them to both turn and face him.

 

“Oh, hello Yuuri,” Victor said in English, “We were just-”

 

Yuuri held up a hand to silence him. He answered in Russian, “I heard what you said.”

 

They looked at him in shock. Yurio spoke first.

 

“Since when do you speak Russian?” he continued in the same language.

 

“It was supposed to be a surprise for Victor. I am still learning,” Yuuri said, “Sorry to spoil it, but I felt bad, like I was..., sorry I only know the english for this.. _.eavesdropping.” _

 

Yuri was blushing, looking furious at being overheard. Victor was still looking at Yuuri in amazement.

 

“You speak Russian,” he finally said in a croaky voice.

 

“Yes, well, barely,” Yuuri replied.

 

Victor looked like all his dreams had come true. “I must learn Japanese now!” 

 

Yuri threw up his hands, “And then we’ll all fucking sing a song and-” He broke off into a rant of Russian that was too fast for Yuuri to follow. Walking over, he placed a calm hand on the young skater's shoulder.

 

“You have nothing to be afraid of if you want to go out and dance for your birthday,” Yuuri said. Yuri stopped his rant and looked up at him, nervously.

 

“You can make a promise with Otabek that one of you will stay sober. Make sure you don’t separate and don’t drink anything you don’t order yourself. Invite a few more friends if you want to drink together. There is safety in numbers. Not everyone in a club is out to get you,” Yuuri continued quietly.

 

Yurio nodded, face red. “Got it. Thanks, pork cutlet.” He stood, stretching and made it all the way to the door before turning around.

 

“Well? Are you two going to come help me learn to land a quad flip or what?”

 

Smiling, Victor and Yuuri followed him out to the rink.

 

* * *

 

Yuuri loved his family.

He missed them more than anything.

 

He could imagine what they were all doing at the moment at home, parents cleaning up for the night, Mari helping out, keeping Vicchan's shrine in order. Picturing home sometimes made his eyes smart with tears. He didn’t regret moving to Russia, but the ache of missing his parents and sister was still painful.

 

Mari had called earlier in the night, saying that their mother had been looking through old photo albums.

 

Yuuri could see it now, his mother bent over the albums, tears in her eyes. Pictures of her babies, growing up and playing together. Yuuri and Mari in all sorts of funny and sweet photos. In every picture, Yuuri would seem to shy away from the camera, always letting his sister have the spotlight. Yuuri knew the photo she cherished most, the one from his first ice skating competition. He was nine years old and had placed second in the Regional Junior Championships. Beaming with pride in the photo, he was holding out the silver medal to his parents, eyes crinkled with happiness.

 

It was a happiness they so rarely got to see on Yuuri. 

 

_ My poor baby,  _ she would say, _ Why did the world have to place all its burdens on you? _

 

“Yuuri,” Mari said over the phone, “We are all so proud of you, you know? With how far you’ve come and everything you have been through. We love you so much."

 

"I love you, too."

* * *

 

Victor Nikiforov was a lot of things.

 

Beautiful, talented, passionate. Hard-headed and stubborn. Loyal. Hardworking. To Yuuri, he was more than any of those things, he was a lover, an idol, a supporter, and a  _ godsend. _

 

But if there was one thing,  _ one thing _ , that Yuuri could not stand about his boyfriend, it was his ridiculous sleeping habits. At first, he had been able to live with it because, hey, he was sharing a bed with  _ Victor Nikiforov _ , after all. In any relationship though, when the honeymoon stage is over, everyone has things that irritate them.

 

Yuuri could spend an hour thinking about how hard it was to share a bed with Victor. His feet were always freezing, he starfished over three quarters of the mattress, stole the covers, snored like a freight train, and on top of it all, he  _ kicked _ in his sleep. When Yuuri would wake up in the mornings, he’d be encased in Victor’s embrace, like an icy cold Russian leech had flopped on top of him, sucking all the warmth out of the bed.

 

It was downright insufferable.

 

So, when Victor began to collapse face down into his pillow and not stir for the whole night, naturally Yuuri was concerned by the change in behavior. Before Barcelona, they’d snuggle together in bed for a while before sleeping, sometimes cuddling in silence, talking, or exploring the newfound physical side of their relationship (that was Yuuri’s favorite option). Now, Victor would crash almost immediately and stay immobile the whole night.

 

Yuuri began to worry more when he noticed that Victor had dark circles under his eyes and wasn’t concentrating during practice. He was also forgetting to do silly things, like closing the cupboard doors or putting his clothes in the hamper.

 

It finally came to a head when Yuuri stirred in the night, disturbed by someone kicking him.

 

_ Ugh, Stupid Victor.  Wait...what? Whasgoinon? _

 

Waking up a little bit more, he turned to the side to see Victor curled up in a ball, still asleep but obviously distressed.

 

“No...get off him...leave him alone,” Victor mumbled in his sleep, “Stop, don’t touch him…”

 

Yuuri leaned over, gently shaking his shoulder. He didn’t want Victor to wake up, just to gently push him out of the dream.

 

_ I’ll try not to think about what he’s dreaming about. _

 

“YUURI, NO!” Victor screamed, sitting bolt upright in bed, sweating. He was awake now, breathing heavily as he threw off the blankets. Before Yuuri could say anything, Victor had left the bed and was leaning over the toilet, being sick.

 

Yuuri leapt out of bed, kneeling next to Victor and rubbing his back soothingly. Victor wiped his mouth with a shaky hand.

  
“Can I have a wet towel, please?” he asked in a hoarse voice. Yuuri stood, wetting a washcloth and wiping Victor’s mouth. Silently, he put toothpaste on Victor’s toothbrush and handed it to him.

 

Yuuri sat on the edge of the bed while Victor brushed his teeth. When he was finished, he washed his face and went to sit next to Yuuri.

 

“How long have you been having nightmares about me?” Yuuri asked, looking down, threading their hands together.

 

Victor looked at him for a moment. “Since Barcelona.”

 

_ He’s been suffering this whole time and I haven’t done anything to help him. How often does he have these? Does he get sick a lot? Have I been sleeping through this? _

 

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri said, “I should have noticed sooner. Do you want to talk about it?”

 

_ Please don’t shut me out. I want to be there for you like you were there for me. _

 

Victor sighed, resting his head on Yuuri’s shoulder. “I dream about you being hurt in all kinds of ways and I can never get to you. It feels like...like I have no control and in the dreams you always….”

 

Yuuri kissed Victor’s hair. “I’m right here. I promise I’m not going anywhere.”

 

Victor wrapped his arms around Yuuri, kissing his shoulder. “I know, love. I know. But, it is hard when I have felt helpless so many times. I feel I have failed you.”

 

_ What? Is he serious? _

 

Yuuri pulled back, putting a hand under Victor’s chin to raise it up and meet his eyes.

 

“Look at me,  _ Vitya,”  _ he said, “I love you. You were there for me during the worst time in my life. I will never, ever leave you. You haven’t failed me. You saved me.”

 

He pressed their lips together gently, sighing into the kiss. Breaking apart, they shifted so they were laying down on the bed, Makkachin at their feet. Yuuri held Victor in his arms, playing with his hair until they both drifted off to sleep.

 

In the morning, when Victor’s annoyingly perfect muscles were crushing him like normal, he didn’t have the heart to push him off.

 

_ Stupid Victor. _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked this interlude! The next chapter will focus on the nitty gritty legal nasties and Yuuri confronting his attackers. Be prepared for angst, but also strength. <3


	11. This Ain't a Scene...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit angsty, so trigger warnings for everything in the tags because it will ALL be referenced. It is the long-awaited trial chapter….part one! Two more chapters to go!

**[Instagram] @yuurik posted a new photo**

_I want to say thank you to @v-nikiforov, @yuri-plisetsky, and my family for all their support during the last few months. Thank you to everyone who respected my privacy during this difficult time. I'd like to share what happened with you now, not for sympathy or special treatment, but because I think it could be helpful to someone struggling through the same thing. Please know I will be talking about very personal and difficult things, so read ahead with caution._

_After the Grand Prix, we went out to celebrate the end to a great season. At a club in Barcelona, I was slipped a drug in my drink by strangers and was sexually assaulted.  After a brief stay in Japan to recover, I moved to St. Petersburg with @v-nikiforov. With his love and support I made it through many difficult days, but the stress of the my assault eventually got the better of me in Russia. After a difficult few days, I found myself in the hospital after overdosing on my sleeping medication during an anxiety attack. I spent five weeks there rehabilitating my mind and body._

_Now I am in training for the new season with a new theme, “Strength.” My strength comes from love. My love of my boyfriend, my friends, and my family. I’m learning that my strength also comes from myself. It's been a long road, but I am here now, recovering and facing my demons._

_I hope that anyone out there who reads this and is going through the same thing, takes this next message to heart: never give up. #strength #mentalillnessawareness #suicidepreventionawareness #anxietyawareness #raperecovery_

 

Yuuri checked his post again, surprised to see that it had over 100k likes on Instagram. The picture he had used was one of himself and Victor hugging a happy Makkachin. He wanted to show that he was in a good place despite the events that had happened. The comments on his post were overwhelmingly supportive. Fans were commenting with similar stories or just sending love and support. There were the occasional dissenters, but Yuuri refused to let that bother him.

 

Five months had passed since the assault. He still had bad days, but despite that he performed in several skating competitions and did well overall, placing consistently in the top three each time. Day by day, he was getting better, slowly chipping away at his walls.

 

Victor and he had many long talks, working to set boundaries to help Yuuri regain confidence with the physical side of their relationship. They never pressured each other and they both worked to always ask before doing anything beyond kissing. While Yuuri wasn't sure if he'd ever have sex again, there were still physical things they could do together that they enjoyed.

 

Mostly, they snuggled. One evening at a hotel in England post competition, Yuuri was curled into Victor’s side, toying with the hem of his shirt. The news was on and they were content in each other's arms.

 

“Do you think they’ll talk about the competition on the news?” Yuuri asked.

 

Victor smiled. “Probably not. Maybe they’ll mention it in text on the bottom or something.” Yuuri chuckled, reaching for the remote to adjust the volume, the story now about a football match.

 

“So boring,” Victor mumbled, “I never understood the fascination with this sport.” Yuuri laughed again, looking down at the couch as he felt the buzz of a phone.

 

“Victor, you're vibrating,” he said, passing Victor his phone.

 

“Da?” Victor asked, answering the phone, he face switching to confusion as he listened for a minute to the voice on the other line, “Si, el está aquí. Por favor, espere un momento.”

Victor turned to face Yuuri. _“_ Yuuri, it is the police in Barcelona,” he said, “They have arrested the men who assaulted you. They...attacked someone else last night and got caught.”

 

_What?_

 

“They want to know if you will come testify. Even though it is not your case, your evidence can help.”

 

_They...attacked someone else? Is this my fault for not taking them down when I had the chance? What should I do?_

 

“Love?” Victor asked, “They want to know what you want to do.”

 

Yuuri ran an agitated hand through his hair.

 

_I can't let someone else go through this. Not if I can help stop it._

 

“I'll do it,” he said, “I'll testify.” Victor squeezed his hand and continued the conversation on the phone in Spanish. When he had hung up, he showed Yuuri an email that was just sent to him by the prosecuting lawyer. The first file contained pictures of the suspects, three men in total.

 

Two didn't look familiar, but Yuuri wasn't surprised. He had been drugged, after all. But the third...

 

_I know him. The one in the middle. I've seen him before._

 

Yuuri tried to remember where he had seen the face before when the memory came crashing to him suddenly.

 

_“Free shots!”_

_Oh god. That's him! That's the guy who drugged me at the club._

 

Sitting up quickly, his breathing increased. Victor looked at him in concern.

 

“Katsudon? What's wrong?”

 

Yuuri swallowed. “That man. The one in the middle. He...he's the one who drugged me.”

 

Victor opened his mouth in surprise before shaking his head slightly.  “You…are you sure?” He asked.

 

Yuuri nodded. “I'm sure. I was drunk, but I still remember his face. He looked...so normal.”

 

_Why would they do this?_

 

“Those sick bastards,” Victor said through clenched teeth, reading on, “It says they are suspected of targeting foreigners on purpose because they thought it'd be harder to get caught.”

 

Yuuri looked at the computer, words on the screen confirming what he was saying. He thought if he saw his attackers faces, he would be distraught. Instead, he was just angry.  Standing up, he went over to grab his phone. He sat next to Victor with determination, opening up his flight app.

 

“Yuuri?”

 

Yuuri tapped on the “book now!” link to look for flights. “I want to go to the trial and testify. They...they can’t get away with this again.”

 

Victor looked at him proudly. “Yes, that is good. I will come with you.”

 

_I need to face him.. Them. I think...I think this is what's holding me back._

 

Yuuri confidently confirmed their flights.

 

“Well then, I guess we'd better pack.”

 

* * *

 

The trial was _awful_.

 

Going through meetings with lawyers, prosecutors, and paperwork was bad enough. Not to mention he didn’t understand most of what was being said to him, let alone the Spanish legal system.

 

_I know three languages and none of them are helpful right now._

 

Seeing his attackers in person was difficult. He threw up in the bathroom a couple of times the first day. On the day he was supposed to testify, he was touched to see not only Victor, but Yurio, Christophe, Otabek, and Phichit there too.

 

“What are you all doing here?” he asked, surprised.

 

“We are supporting you!” Christophe said, giving Yuuri’s shoulder a squeeze.

 

“Yeah, we want to make sure those guys know exactly who they messed with!” Phichit chimed in.

 

Otabek nodded, “And if they don’t go to jail, Yura can just put out a hit on them with the Russian mafia, right?”

 

They laughed and Yuuri felt a little lighter. They entered the courtroom together, as one united force.

 

As the trial went on, Yuuri knew he would be called soon. When he was finally called to testify, his hands shook and his breath quickened as he went forward. He did his best to not look at his attackers.

 

While the whole trial was in Spanish, there was an English translator for him so he could follow the questions. He made it through the prosecutor’s questions by looking at Victor and no one else.

 

It wasn’t until the defense spoke that Yuuri's confidence began to truly waver. After a few basic questions, they went right for his throat.

 

“So, Mr. Katsuki, can you tell us what time you believe the alleged assault took place?” the defense asked.

 

“No, but I was drunk at the time and-”

 

“So you admit to being willfully drunk.”

 

“Yes, I am of legal drinking age.”

 

“I have a statement here from _you_ on social media saying you were admitted to the hospital for a suicide attempt several months ago, is that correct?” Yuuri’s translator looked outraged at having to say the words, despite the fact that she was supposed to only repeat the words in English, not have any opinion.

 

He swallowed, looking down in shame. He had made the news public, but he still didn’t like having it shoved in his face.

 

“Yes.”

 

“And would you say that your anxiety disorder, plaguing you from a young age, made it difficult for you to be out in a public club?”

 

The prosecutor stood, yelling something in Spanish. Yuuri was fairly certain it was “objection.”

 

“Yes,” Yuuri said, more quietly. He was looking at his hands now, confidence slipping away.

 

“Mr. Katsuki, at any point in the alleged assault, did you ask them to stop?” Yuuri’s translator looked furious at having to say the words.

 

“Excuse me?” Yuuri asked.

 

“I said, at any point did you tell or ask them to stop,” the prosecutor said again, “It’s not uncommon for a person with your history to be falsely claiming this as a cry for attention.”

 

There were several outraged shouts at this, including some from his friends. Yuuri tried to keep himself together, but his hands had already started shaking and tears were beginning to fall from his eyes.

 

“N-No, I didn’t,” he said, “I couldn’t say no! They...I was drugged. Ketamine, it’s in the hospital report.”

 

“And what evidence do you have that my client gave it to you?”

 

Tears were falling harder now and there was a lot of restless noise in the courtroom. Yuuri could tell he was headed for a full-blown panic attack.

 

_Keep it together. Keep it together. Just tell them the truth, you’re not the one on trial here. They’re trying to rile you up to foul the case. Keep it together._

 

“I r-recognized him,” he sniffed, “From the picture.”

 

“Your honor, this evidence is unreliable! The witness clearly stated that he was not in his right mind. An accusation solely by sight alone in an intoxicated condition won’t be enough to convict my client. Even with the DNA evidence, there is no solid proof to suggest that this event was non-consensual.”

 

Yuuri was gripping the edge of his chair so tightly he thought he would pass out. He vaguely registered that people in the courtroom were starting to get riled up. He looked up to make eye contact with Victor and made the mistake of looking towards the defense instead.

 

The three men sitting there looked so _normal,_  and yet the sight of them made Yuuri want to hide.While he knew that all three had been involved in his assault, there was only one he really recognized. The one who drugged him.

 

Locking eyes with Yuuri, the man raised an eyebrow and slowly licked his lips.

 

Yuuri’s body revolted before he could do anything to stop it. He clutched at his chest, recognizing a full-on panic attack. Sound was rushing around him, and there was air, _too much air_. He kept seeing that _man_ , one of his _rapists,_ licking his lips over, and over, and over, and _over._

 

A flash of a memory in his mind, that face over his own. Breathing heavily as he _raped_ him.

 

_No, no, no. Stop, I don't want to remember this right now. I am falling apart in front of a room full of people!_

 

Yuuri felt someone grab onto his arm, moving him off of the stand. He felt sick to his stomach, like he was going to throw up at any moment.

 

_I want Victor._

 

There was so much _yelling_ and his head hurt.

 _  
_ _I thought I was past this! Calm down, calm down! Breathe you idiot, breathe!_

 

“Well, that was certainly an eventful testimony."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? This was actually angstier than I meant it to be at first, but it just kind of...poured out of me. The last line is supposed to be ambiguous as to who says it...it will continue there next chapter!


	12. ...It's a Damn Arms Race

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The trial, part 2! Disclaimer: I know basically nothing about how the Spanish legal system works and I am not a law student, so please don’t judge me too harshly if something seems inaccurate (but feel free to correct).

“Well, that was certainly an eventful testimony,” said someone to his right. Yuuri could hear people shouting in the courtroom in all sorts of languages. The judge was banging her gavel over and over, calling for order. Each time she hit it down, Yuuri twitched. He still wasn’t able to breathe properly and he couldn’t make his legs work.

 

_Breathe. In. Out. Come on, get it together. Like you practiced in therapy. Anchor yourself._

 

“ _ETO PIZ_ _`_ _DETS!_ ” Yuri’s voice came over the din, “ _Ty che, suka, o'khuel blya?”_

 

_Yes, this is fucked up, Yurio, but don’t get yourself in trouble by calling people crazy assholes._

_Okay, I need to breathe. Breathing is good._

 

“ _Tranquilo, tranquilo_ ,” said the voice in his ear, “Calm down. We’re trying to get you out of here but we need you to be calm. You have fierce friends, yes?” Yuuri realized that it was his translator, who had been the closest to him when he started to panic.

 

The commotion was still going on and a loud _bang_ made Yuuri jump in fear. It sounded like the large doors in the back of the courtroom had been thrown open and hit the wall.

 

“Escort them out of my courtroom immediately!” the judge called as Yuuri heard a large scuffle taking place.

 

“ _Schas po ebalu poluchish, suka, blyad!_ ” a loud voice spat and Yuuri started when he realized it was _Victor_ making the most noise.

 

_He’s going to get himself arrested. He just threatened to kill that guy!_

_I can’t breathe._

_Wait...did Victor seriously just say motherfucker?_

_Yurio is really rubbing off on us._

_Breathe. In. Out._

 

“I WILL _END_ YOU IF YOU LOOK AT HIM AGAIN!” Victor screamed in English.

 

_I have never heard him sound this upset, ever. Victor, calm down! I know you’re mad but this isn’t helping!_

_Oh god, he’s going to get arrested and I’ll have to leave him in prison in Spain._

_Calm down, pull yourself together. Be rational. You’re still up in front of everyone!_

 

“ _SILENCIO_ !” The judge yelled, “ _Tendré orden!_ I will have order!”

 

_I can’t believe I am having a panic attack in the middle of a public place._

_I can do this. I can be calm._

_I need to be calm so Victor doesn’t get arrested._

 

Taking a breath to steady himself, Yuuri was finally able to focus enough to open his eyes. When he looked out over the courtroom, he was shocked at what he saw.

 

Victor was being held back by an officer, red in the face and still yelling. Phichit was standing to the side, arms up in surrender, but looking upset. Otabek was holding a furious Yurio back in his arms while Christophe was arguing with the officer holding Victor.

 

Yuuri chanced a glance at the defense and he took mild satisfaction in their shocked expressions. The one who had...made _eye contact_ with him had been restrained and Yuuri felt a little better.

 

Noticing his calmer state, his translator helped him up on shaky legs.

 

“Your honor, I think a fifteen minute recess would be prudent,” she said. The judge gave her a hard look before banging the gavel one final time, signaling the recess.

 

Yuuri was led over to the corner of the room and given a chair and a bottle of water, which he gratefully accepted. Drinking through half the bottle in one go, he finally began to feel better. He noticed that many of the public who were there for the trial were still in the room, staring at him. Uncomfortable with the attention, he pretended to be severely interested in his water bottle.

 

_I cannot believe I just had a panic attack in a courtroom._

_I hope my friends aren’t getting arrested. I hope the judge lets them stay. I don’t want to hear the verdict alone._

 

As if on cue, Yuuri heard the sounds of his friends.

 

“Yuuri!” Victor called out to him, “Are you alright?” And suddenly he was _there_ and Yuuri was able to relax.

 

“I’m fine,” Yuuri said while Victor grasped his hands, “He just...took me by surprise.”

 

Victor’s eyes narrowed. “I am going to kill him, that-”

 

Yuuri put a finger over Victor’s lips to silence his next words. “That is not helpful. Please don’t get yourself arrested over someone that isn’t worth your time.”

 

Sighing angrily, Victor pushed the sweaty hair out of his eyes, still looking furious.

 

“Hey, pork cutlet, you alright?” Yurio asked, coming over with the rest of them, “I am going to kill that _shithead._ ”

 

Yuuri chuckled weakly. “What is it with you Russians and murder?”

 

Phichit put a comforting hand on Yuuri’s shoulder while they stood near him protectively.

 

"Yuuri, that was really scary. Are you sure you're okay?" he asked quietly.

 

Yuuri was surprised. "Phichit, you've seen me have a panic attack before."

 

"Yes, but not like  _that_. It sounded like you were choking to death!"

 

Yuuri blushed in embarrassment, but looked Phichit in the eye in spite of himself. "I'm okay. Thanks for worrying."

 

Yurio was ranting under his breath in Russian, too fast and furious for Yuuri to make out. Christophe was pacing anxiously while Otabek looked ready to tackle Yurio at any second if necessary. Victor remained at Yuuri's side. When the fifteen minutes were up, the jury, prosecution, and defense set up in their places.

 

“Wait…” Victor said, “This...doesn’t make sense.”

 

_What? What’s wrong? Oh no, what happened?_

 

“What do you mean?” he asked, nervously.

 

Victor looked around the room. “It looks like they’re setting up...for the verdict.”

 

_What? But I didn’t even finish testifying. Was I that bad? Oh god, are they going to walk free? No, no I can’t handle this. Please, please they have to go to jail. If I know that they're out there..._

 

The jury stood shaking him from his thoughts. They looked ready to pass the verdict. Victor held his left hand, Yurio his right. Phichit’s hand gripped his shoulder in support.

 

The juror looked over at Yuuri and gave him a curt nod before turning to the judge.

 

“Your honor,” he said in English, “We find the defendant guilty of all charges.”

 

_Guilty._

_Guilty._

_Guilty._

 

_They’re going to prison._

 

Several formal exchanges happened between the judge and jury before the judge said the final sentencing, first in Spanish, then in English.

 

“This court finds the defendant guilty on all charges and sentences them to a maximum of fifteen years in federal prison.”

 

_Fifteen...years?_

_That’s all?_

_They ruin my life and they only get fifteen years?_

_Well, I guess I shouldn’t have been expecting too much more. I’m just glad they’ll be off the streets._

 

Yuuri sighed in relief as his friends congratulated him.

 

Yuri scoffed, "Fifteen years? That is such bullshit-"

 

“Yuuri let’s get out of here,” Victor said, eyeing the defense with fury. Yuuri shook his head. "Not yet."

 

_There’s still something I still have to do. And if I don't do it now, I might not get a chance and then I'll regret it forever._

 

Yuuri stood, ignoring the questions from his friends. With determination, he walked over to the defense, to the men who _raped_ him.

 

_This might be my only chance to ask, and I have to know._

 

He looked at them all, trying to keep his hands steady. One seemed ashamed, looking down, while the other two looked at him curiously. Each were being held by officers, their hands in cuffs.

 

“Why?” was all Yuuri could manage, stomach churning at being so close to them.

 

The men looked at each other before one shrugged, turning to him.

 

“You are pretty. It was easy,” he said in heavily accented English, “You were easy.”

 

The man who had drugged Yuuri was silent, staring at him with an unreadable expression.

 

The man who had seemed silent before looked up and spat on the table. “ _Puta,”_ he snarled at Yuuri before the guards led him away.

 

_I think...I think he just called me a whore._

 

Yuuri refused to let them see anymore weakness, and so he stared them down as they were led away in handcuffs. When the door finally shut and he could see no more of them, he collapsed on a bench, rubbing his hands over his face.

 

_I know I'm not a whore, so why does it sting so much to hear it?_

 

Victor was there, rubbing his back and talking to him in a soothing voice. The others were there too, sharing worried glances.

 

“What did they say to you?” Yurio asked angrily.

 

“One said I was...easy,” Yuuri said, falsely blasé, “Another...uh...called me a whore.”

 

Victor’s hand tensed on his back before settling down at his side. Yuri swore.

 

_I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s change the subject. I’ll file this away in the ‘process it later’ pile._

 

Yuuri nudged him. “Enough about that, what is up with you? I thought _you_ were going to go to prison. Did you seriously yell ‘motherfucker’ in a court of law?”

 

The group laughed, tension abating slightly. 

 

"Yurio was the one who called him a crazy fucking asshole," Otabek said, ruffling Yurio's hair affectionately. 

 

Yurio threw his hands up "Does  _everyone_ speak Russian now?"

 

"Only the people who care about you and Victor," Christophe crooned, winking. Yurio gagged.

 

Yuuri smiled at the interaction, before turning serious. "Hey guys...um...thank you." 

 

They all stopped talking at turned to look at him.

 

"Just...thanks. It meant the world to me, that you were here."

 

Grinning brilliantly, Phichit said, "Of course! You'd do the same for any of us." 

 

Victor had been silent and Yuuri knew he was struggling, struggling with watching Yuuri fall apart, struggling with being in the same room as his boyfriends _rapists_. Hearing Yuuri saying he was called a whore was probably the last straw. Victor did a good job keeping up the "strong boyfriend" persona, but Yuuri knew he'd need time to heal from this, too.

 

Time to break down.

 

For now, he settled with squeezing Victor's hand and kissing his forehead. Victor sighed, returning the kiss and relaxing.

 

“Hey guys, let’s get out of here,” said Phichit suddenly, “Let’s go enjoy the sunshine knowing those monsters can’t see it again until they’re forty.”

 

Yuuri nodded, standing up, pulling Victor with him. As they exited the room together, he turned back once more to where his attackers had been sitting.

 

_I beat you._

 

The doors to the courthouse opened to a beautiful Barcelona day. Sunshine poured out onto the streets and a smell of street food permeated the air.

 

_This is my life. And I get to live it. I will live it._

_I'll live it with Victor._

 

Inhaling, he closed his eyes, smiling, enjoying the feeling of the sun on his face. He held Victor’s hand, feeling invincible.

 

_Everything is going to be okay. Maybe not today, but someday._

_We'll make it through this, together._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My goal here was to be realistic. There are a lot of assault/rape cases that never will see a courtroom, and the way the defense was talking to Yuuri is part of the reason why. Victim blaming is rampant and it is hard enough to prove that a non-consensual assault happened. However, there was no way I'd let these guys walk. Too many real rapists walk daily and I refused to let that happen in this fic!


	13. Alone, Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE FINAL CHAPTER. Thank you for all the encouragement and support. This was my first fic in years and I was so nervous about doing it, but all of you lovely people made me want to keep writing!

Anxiety doesn’t go away. Memories don’t disappear.

Yuuri knows this.

But he is learning to move on.

 

Nights were still hard, sometimes.

 

Their nightmares would hit unexpectedly. Victor’s after a stressful day of skating, Yuuri’s unexpectedly or for no reason at all. Sometimes, they would _both_ awaken in a panic after having night terrors.

 

The dreams weren’t the only thing.

 

When he and Victor try to have sex for the first time, its a  _disaster._ It leaves Yuuri panicked and distraught for days.

 

They work through it. Victor assures him that he doesn’t care if they ever have sex, but Yuuri knows they both want to. After weeks of testing the waters, they finally are able to break through Yuuri's walls.

 

Laying in the arms of his lover, sated and satisfied, Yuuri thinks that he has never felt so  _safe_.

 

* * *

 

Sometimes, Yuuri thinks about retiring from skating.

 

_Is this my peak? Am I good enough to continue? Do I really have another season left in me?_

 

Victor debates it as well, wondering if his body can handle another season on the ice.

 

They push through it together.

 

* * *

 

Visiting Yuuri’s family in Hasetsu becomes one of their favorite vacations. Some days there they walk together with Makkachin on the beach, holding hands while the waves gently coast over their feet.

 

Some days Yuuri can’t bear to have anyone hold his hand and Victor understands, giving him space.

 

Anxiety doesn’t leave Yuuri alone, but he has a better control of it now.

 

He thinks _fuck off_ in Russian in his head when the thoughts come.

 

It helps.

 

* * *

 

Yakov likes to host “family dinners” at his home in St. Petersburg. Yuuri and Yuri do most of the cooking, Victor and Yakov most of the eating.

 

Yakov would tell over the top stories from his younger days and Victor would always laugh, a full bodied laugh that would rattle the table. Yuuri thinks it is both ridiculous and beautiful. Victor would turn to him while he laughed, face flushed, hair messy, eyes sparkling.

 

_I didn’t think I could possibly fall any more in love with you. How do you love me so much?_

 

His anxieties don’t leave him.

 

But he knows Victor won’t leave him, either.

 

* * *

 

Eventually, they go back to Barcelona for a vacation.

 

They had talked about it a lot, whether if it was the right thing to do. Yuuri says he can handle it and Victor believes him.

 

If they both have nightmares before the flight, they don’t talk about it.

 

They walk the streets, memories from the trial and Yuuri’s second Grand Prix flooding their thoughts. Victor makes a strangled noise in his throat when they pass a vaguely familiar street.

 

_Oh. It’s the street that club used to be on. It looks like it closed down. I hope that wasn’t my fault._

 

Yuuri only smiles, grabbing Victor’s hand, leading him away from the dark memories toward the sunny side of the street, ignoring the alley that was still there, taunting them like a gaping black hole.

 

Anxiety won’t go away.

Neither would the memories of what happened.

But he knows now that he's not alone.

 

* * *

 

One year. One life changing year had passed since the night of the assault. Victor and Yuuri were both in the Grand Prix final, this time not only as coach and student, but as rivals.

 

The rankings currently stood with Victor in first, Yuri in second, Phichit third, JJ in fourth, and Otabek in fifth. All the scores were very close, a sign of how hard everyone had pushed themselves this season. Yuuri was the last to skate.

 

“And finally, Katsuki Yuuri will take the ice for his free skate. He will be skating to the Finale of the _Firebird Suite_ by Igor Stravinsky.”

 

Yuuri kissed Victor’s cheek on the edge of the rink. “Don’t take your eyes off me.”

 

“Never,” Victor whispered, cupping his face. Yuuri smiled at him before pulling away to the center of the rink. The audience was cheering for him but all he could focus on was Victor’s face.

 

_I am going to win gold and then I am going to propose. This is for you, Victor._

 

The music started and Yuuri began his emotional program. He skated passionately, freely. It wasn’t as fierce a program as Yuri’s or as graceful as Victor’s, but he put his heart and soul into each move. Moving with the music, he couldn’t stop the smile from his face as he went through his complex step sequence.

 

The music increased in speed, a cue to begin the most difficult part of the program. He beamed bigger and brighter, each jump perfectly executed. As the music slowed to the end, he began his final spin, tears already leaking out of his eyes.

 

With the last note of the music, he threw his arms up, hearing thunderous applause. Tears poured down his cheeks in happiness.

 

_I did it. That was a gold medal performance, I know it._

 

Skating to the edge of the rink, he saw Victor looking both tearful and proud. Holding his arms out, they embraced tightly. Yuuri’s heart felt like it was going to pound out of his chest as they headed to the kiss-and-cry. Sitting on the bench, he held on to Victor’s hand, waiting in agonizing silence. Finally, it was time for the scores to be announced.

 

“And finally, the score is in...330.59! Yuuri Katsuki has beaten his coach by a fraction of a point for the gold!”

 

Thunderous applause echoed in the stadium and Yuuri stared at the screen in disbelief.

 

_I actually did it. I...I won gold._

 

Victor threw his arms around him. “I am so proud of you. I love you so much.”

 

Yuuri hugged back, unable to speak, tears of joy running down his face.

 

Victor eventually stood to wave at their fellow competitors who came down to congratulate them. Yuri hugged them both, whispering, “ _Just wait til next season,”_ into their ears. Phichit hugged Yuuri freely, laughing and taking a selfie with him while Otabek and JJ shook hands with Victor.

 

“The medal ceremony will begin shortly,” a voice announced from the loudspeaker after they had some time to talk.

 

Victor, Yuri, and Yuuri walked over to claim their respective medals. Yuuri had never felt more proud as he stood in the center with the gold medal hanging around his chest. In a spur of the moment decision, he reached out and took Yuri and Victor’s hands in his, raising them up to the applause of the audience.

 

Pictures were taken, tears were shed, and soon they turned down to walk off the blocks, ready to celebrate. Yuuri was nervous, so nervous, but he knew that  _this was the moment._

 

It could not have been more perfect.

 

_I can’t wait any longer. My heart is going to burst out of my chest._

 

“Victor, wait!” Yuuri called out. Victor turned around to see Yuuri holding up his gold medal, smiling brilliantly.

 

“It’s gold,” he said by way of explanation. Victor’s expression changed into one of joy as he realized what was happening. Walking over to his boyfriend, Victor pressed his lips gently to the gold medal.

 

“Like I promised,” he said, running a hand through Yuuri’s hair. He leaned in for a real kiss, but before he could, Yuuri went down on one knee.

 

The audience and their fellow skaters went silent as Yuuri knelt, clasping Victor’s hand in his own. Victor was looking at him like he was the greatest treasure on earth and Yuuri smiled, heart swelling with happiness and love.

 

“Will you marry me?” he asked. Victor’s eyes filled with tears as he nodded, unable to speak for a moment.

 

“Yes!” he finally exclaimed happily, throwing his arms around his fiancé, kissing him passionately to loud cheering and screaming from the audience.

 

Pulling from the kiss for air, Yuuri looked Victor in the eyes, face glowing with joy. Victor intertwined their hands, kissing Yuuri’s ring finger.

 

“I love you, Yuuri.”

“I love you too, Victor _.”_

 

_It’s going to be okay. Now it’s you and me, forever._

 

At their wedding five months later, Yuri cries during their first dance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END. I hope it was satisfactory!
> 
> Thank you again, so much for all the reviews, kudos, and kind comments on this story. You are all the best!
> 
> [My Tumblr](http://www.kanekkis.tumblr.com)


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